A Mummy's Meanderings

A Progress Report

2011-01-28T10:20:00.005Z

I've been wanting to post a follow up to my last blog for a week or so now but it's kind of hard to find the right words (I know. Me lost for words..... that's not normal!). I suppose the first thing is that I can honestly say I have no regrets about sharing my situation. Not one. I have been contacted by so many people since hitting that 'publish' button. Some on Facebook, some on email, some on Twitter. Some have been people I know, others I don't but every single one has been supportive and a few have been through or are still going through similar issues and situations. To hear from them that my post was such a help and a comfort was a huge deal to me. I hoped it may help someone, somewhere...... I never even considered that I would KNOW it had helped. That is a humbling feeling.
The one thing that most of these messages had in common was that they asked for me to post updates. People want to be able to follow my progress, some of them are thinking of taking the step towards the same kind of help.
It's hard to know quite what to update and what not to. As I said in my last post, it's all too easy to be taken over by PTSD and the causes of it. But I don't want to dwell on it. There's a whole lot more to me than what I am dealing with and I don't want to be characterised by pyschology appointments and symptoms.
But, on a practical level, I have now had four appointments with my psychologist and I have to say I couldn't really hope for them to be helping any more than they are. I have seen a number of counsellors over the last few months and I have to say the difference between them and the lady I am seeing now is huge. Counsellors listen. They are great at listening and sometimes that is all you need. You talk to them and, when there is a lull in your speech, they look at you, nod and say 'Hmmmm'. That's it. And, as I say, sometimes that is perfectly adequate. This time I needed more and I am getting it. My psychologist also listens but she asks questions, she gives opinion and offers advice that may help. She helps explain what I am feeling and why I feel like that. She explains my symptoms and puts my mind at ease. And that is priceless. I couldn't understand why I don't have a chronological memory of the events of the rape. I don't. I have snatches of memories. Smells, still images, sounds......I can remember some bits but I can't remember what order they go in and things that I would have thought I should remember, I can't. At all. I now know that this is perfectly normal for PTSD and so now I am not worried about it.
I'm not going into too much information about my individual appointments, I'm sure if anyone has any specific questions they will get in touch. I am always more than a little nervous on the day but the time I spend at the centre isn't too bad. We started on a timeline so that we could get more of an understanding into the kind of 13 year old I was, that will help us to understand more how the abuse affected me. We spent a good three weeks working through that and we have also talked about more recent events and how past experiences colour them too. This is one thing that I am finding fascinating. I am still so affected by my past. I know that sounds fairly obvious, and it's not neccessarily a bad thing....but I am so aware of it now.
Yesterday......well, yesterday was tough. I knew the day would come that I had to relive the details I can remember of the rape. I was expecting it a few weeks ago but it didn't happen then. It happened yesterday. And boy was it difficult. There were many tears, many tissues used and eye makeup streaks aplenty.....but I managed it and I am so proud of myself. Last night was hard too and I find this a lot after my appointments. I can feel fine as I leave the building, fairly positive in fact but I was told right from the start that after each session I have to give myself time and space to react. And it normally starts to hit me about an hour later. Reactions can come in physical form like a headache or more of an emotional form...... Last night I had the lot; shaking, headache, I felt sick and I felt dirty and I cried...a lot. I just allow these feelings. I don't fight them, don't analyse them, don't question them. I just ride them out like a roller coaster. I can feel as low as I have ever felt but I know it will pass. There is a part of me at this point that wants to get in touch with my close friends...to scream, cry, shout and just let them comfort me.... I think for the first couple of weeks I probably did. And it helped at the time but then, afterwards, I regretted it. I know my friends will disagree with me here, but I felt too needy. I felt weak. I felt a burden. And so now, I generally get through this stage on my own. I don't ask for help and I just allow whatever I feel to come and go because the bottom line is that I have to come to terms with my past, my feelings and my experiences. Other people can help but they can't do the work for me. I have to that on my own. That is probably the hardest lesson I have had to learn so far. Don't get me wrong I still need help sometimes. I still need hugs and, when I do I am lucky that I have people ready, willing and able to offer support (and the best hugs going). It's been so important for me to learn when to push through and stay strong.....and when to shout for help!
I'll update again as I go along....and, as before, I really hope my experiences may help others.

The Difficult One

2011-01-11T13:23:00.006Z

It's been a difficult decision whether or not to write this post......I expect it will be a more difficult one still to decide whether or not to hit the publish button.

If you have been following my blog for a while you may remember this post. Well now, finally, I have started my treatment. It's taken twelve rather long, slow months but now I am being given the chance I need to face this head on.

PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is a strange animal. The original trauma that I am dealing with happened to me when I was 13 years old. That's 21 years ago. And yet, without any real warning, a simple conversation triggered the symptoms almost exactly a year ago today. I struggled with nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks and depression.....getting from one day to the next was sometimes an impossible task that could only be tackled hour by hour or minute by minute....... The six weeks I took off work are just a blur to me now.

Any problems of a mental nature, I find, are still very much a taboo subject.... Don't get me wrong, it's a lot more acceptable to talk about them now than twenty years ago but it's still not easy.....and it's a difficult situation for the person experiencing these issues. You're split in two. Part of you wants to reach out to those you trust and those who are close enough to talk to.....you want help, unerstanding, love, support and to feel safe..... but at the same time, another part of you wants to ignore it....you don't want to be characterised by the symptoms. You don't want to be taken over by them even though, at times, that's exactly how you feel. I am not my symptoms, I am me. But, at times, even I struggle to see me through the fog that the PTSD creates.

This social taboo issue makes things considerably harder for someone dealing with a trauma. Because, for some people, it's not just the diagnosis of the PTSD that is hard to discuss....for many people, myself included, the trauma itself is often treated in the same way. My issues are based around an event that happened when I was still a child. I was raped. I am not ashamed of writing that but even as I do I imagine people cringing as they read it. Sexual abuse is something that happens to many people; both men and women, boys and girls and it is still something that is not talked about, mainly because people don't know how to talk about it. And so it's easier not to. But that is not true for those of us who have been attacked in this way and are trying so hard to make sense of the experience and move on.

I suppose, in reality, there are only a handful of people that anyone would want to discuss something like rape with in any detail. It's not something you want everyone you meet to know the smallest detail about but, having said that, beyond the handful of people closest to you, there is a larger circle of friends that you kind of wish just did know. To understand, to be there and to just 'get it'. But nobody can 'just know' and you have to go through the heart wrenching decision of how, when and if to share the facts and, then, how much do you share? And even then, you have to be ready for almost any and every reaction possible........it can be a huge hug, some may cry, others just look back in silence and don't know what to say leaving a very awkward situation. And there is no going back. It's no wonder so many people suffer in silence and don't say anything to anyone....just burying it underneath everyday routines and accepting that things will never change for them.

I find that such a sad situation. I suppose it's what I did for almost twenty years. I knew I hadn't dealt with things but it was easier just to carry on muddling through, ignoring some of the difficulties I encountered that, looking back, were blatantly caused by the trauma. I had no idea that after all this time it was even possible for PTSD to suddenly strike me as it did. It was so frightening. I felt like I had been taken over, I had no control over my thoughts and the flashbacks were so realisitic, bringing back memories I didn't know I had and using all my senses to show me that I remembered more than I could ever have imagined.

It took a lot to speak to my GP, but I did and, after 12 months of waiting and screening I have now just started my treatment with a consultant psychologist. I will see her every week for an hour for as long as it takes. It's more than scary and before my first appointment last week I struggled to hold back the tears and the panic....but that's OK. I know I am strong enough to deal with this now and to meet it head on. Last week we started working on a timeline and we got up to age 13. Which means this afternoon I have to relive, in detail, that day, that attack, that rape. It's something I have tried to hide from since the day it happened but today I will take the deepest breath and put myself back in that situation as a 13 year old. I know I have to do it so that I can finally move on.

I haven't written this post because I want pity, sympathy, attention or anything else. In fact I'm not concerned if no one comments at all. My hope is that my experiences just may help someone else who is struggling in a similar way. There are so many people coping with symptoms alone, thinking they are unable to reach out and take that next step. Even if I can only help one person to realise that other people understand their symptoms and have experienced what they are going through then I consider sharing my story to be worthwhile.

It's all about the Legs

2010-08-24T08:57:00.002+01:00

...all eight of them that is. Yep, I'm talking about the rather icky subject of spiders...eurgh. I don't like them. No, they have never done anything to me, I am well aware that they are probably far more afraid of me than I am of them....and every other cliche you can come up with. But I still don't like them much. Why anything with a body so small requires eight legs is beyond me. I mean EIGHT?! Why? I also struggle with that bizarre ability they have to lower themselves from the ceiling and seemingly drop in front of you. Gives me the heebie jeebies.

Anyway, up until recently Harry was fine with spiders. He was interested in what they could do, he talked to them....... no problem at all. This was up until about 6 weeks ago when we had a very close call in the bathroom. I had run a bath for Harry and he was playing downstairs. The water and bubbles were rising nicely and so I called him upstairs. He was just getting undressed when I spotted an 'issue'. An issue with eight legs.

'Stop! Don't get in!'

There, sitting on a small red rubber boat was a rather large spider. It looked about as worried as we did, in fairness and if I'd looked close enough it was probably trembling. Now, I wasn't going to pick it up but I didn't really want to drown it either. There was only one way out and that involved opening the window WIDE, scooping the boat and its passenger into a jug and flinging the whole lot out into the garden. So that's what we did. Harry threw some clothes back on and went down to rescue the boat, but then decided he wasn't brave enough to pick it up as he couldn't locate the spider......so the boat stayed in the garden for the next day until we were both sure the leggy creature wasn't still around!

Anyway, since then, Harry won't get in the bath without a grumble. We've had many a night where we've had to do a full bedroom check for spiders before he'd get in bed and go to to sleep. Until I hit upon a way of helping him to deal with this. The spiders started to talk back. He speaks to them and they reply (via yours truly, of course....) It can be a little tedious at times but if it works, then so be it. This has also led to the spiders having names....so yesterday we had Horace in the bathroom and Maurice on the landing....Horace in fact was sitting on the light so we had to be careful not to singe his feet.....

So far today Harry hasn't looked for his spider friends, which is probably just as well....as I went up to bed last night Horace had met Maurice.....and I'm wondering which one ate the other......

Day One of 'The Week Off'...

2010-08-23T17:32:00.002+01:00

....has actually been ever so interesting in many, many ways! I'm not going to say much (I'm a spoilsport I know...) but there are things a happening and that can only be a good thing!

So, it's now me and Harry until Friday which is lovely - if slightly scary! I heard my ex heading out the door this morning to catch his flight and as the key turned in the door that was it. I'm in charge. Who? Me? Well, apparently I am big enough to cope so here I am.....

So far so good. I had a Dr's appointment this morning which I duly attended, on time and it wasn't half as bad as I'd feared... phew....I phone on Weds for the results. I picked up Harry from his nan's and we headed over to a local retail park and looked at far too many toys for far too long.

We wolfed down a couple of McFlurries on the way home and then plonked in the house as the rain poured outside...it's hardly stopped all day. I've come to the conclusion that any size house is too small to contain one seven year old and one kitten. At one point I watched Harry slide down the stairs on a bean bag as I removed the cat from the dishwasher....I think that says it all. One thing to add to Harry's twitter site later on too - we had some old gameshow on challenge tv, think it was Jasper Carrott's 'Golden Balls' and the younger of the female contestants was voted off. 'No!' Came the shout, 'I hate it when the good looking ones get voted off.' There are no words.....

So, I've sat here pondering and wondering for much of the day and haven't, so far, managed to complete any of the jobs I've set myself for this week.....but it's only half five....plenty of day left yet! What's that? Do I fancy a brew? Oh go on then.....

On the subject of regret...

2010-08-22T14:26:00.002+01:00

I sat by the bed but couldn’t bring myself to hold her hand. I just looked at it. The ring that I bought her so recently was still resting on her finger, albeit now held in place with some tape. Her body looked so frail and light, she was silent, except for the shallow breaths that came and went. Her eyes were closed. This was my mum, the strong lady who had brought me up, who had worked so hard for me, reduced to this lifeless figure that lay before me. She was dying. I didn’t know how long she had left, no one could tell me, but I had a strong suspicion that this would be the last time I saw her. It was.

That visit to the hospital will always stay as vivid in my mind as it is now. I knew before I even entered the room that it would probably be the last time I would make the journey. I had given it a lot of thought as I didn’t want to regret anything that I did or said. For that matter I didn’t want to regret not saying or doing anything either.

I had received an email from a friend the day before who had lost her mum a few years before. Her advice had been to tell my mum that it was OK for her to go. To give her permission to die. The very thought of speaking those words filled me with fear and dread and yet I felt that it was something I should do. Mum wasn’t coming back, I knew that. There was no way in the world that she was going to recover from the cancer that had eaten her away. I hated seeing her like this. It was time for her to be free from the ugly mass her body had become.

As I sat there, in the chair by her bed, I felt suddenly self conscious. Could there be a more important meeting? It was my last chance to say everything I wanted to. If I said anything wrong or missed anything out I would regret it for the rest of my life. I cried.

Looking back on that day I am relieved to say I do not regret anything. I did tell Mum that it was time for her to go. I told her that we didn’t want to see her in pain anymore and that, whilst we would all miss her, we would be strong and we would be OK. I told her that I loved her and that I would make sure my son knew all about his Granny. He was only 3 and so I knew I would have to help him to remember her.

It is now a little over four years later and I can still look back on that final visit with no regret. I sometimes wish that I could have brought myself to hold Mum’s hand but I know that she wouldn’t have expected me to. It was just something I couldn’t bring myself to do, I think I was afraid of how it would feel.

There are many things that I could regret, many decisions, especially those we made towards the end of her life but I still feel we did the right things and I am forever grateful that I do not question those difficult times.

That’s not to say that there are not things I would have done differently, but they are mainly things from a long time ago. I wish that I had not spent so much time shut upstairs in my room when I lived at home. There were only the two of us and I can clearly remember saying, ‘I’m going upstairs’ and heading up to my bedroom leaving mum alone downstairs most evenings after tea. The stupid thing is that I have no idea what I was doing up there. It was so important that I can’t remember it and yet it was enough to leave my mum alone for. When I think of all the hours we spent apart and yet in the same house I could just kick myself. All the conversations we missed out on and the laughs we could have shared. If I could go back in time I would be sitting there with her every evening. I would just love to sit and watch TV with her now or just sit and chat. I hate that I gave away all that time. Time that now feels so precious to me. I would give almost anything just to be able to spend another 5 minutes by her side.

I also regret not helping more around the house. I suppose I was a typical teenager, every household job was a chore. I should have done more and not dragged my feet so much - stopped moaning and just got on with it. I feel this clearly now that I have my own house to run. If only I’d learned more from her. Mum loved to clean and have everything sparkly and clear. It seemed effortless to her. Home always had a wonderful atmosphere, it was cosy, warm and safe. I never realised how much hard work it took to create this feeling. I think I must have assumed it was just ‘there’. As I try to recreate it now for my own child, I know just how much it takes and I will be forever amazed that Mum managed it so well considering everything else that was going on in her life.

I could also have learnt a lot from my mum about cooking, another thing I regret every time I switch the oven on! I was just not that interested in baking and cooking as a teenager. It was another thing that Mum loved to do and so I left her to it. The food she made was always delicious. Quite frequently now I will remember one of the dishes she used to prepare and wish I could remember what it was called or how to make it. But it’s too late now. I never asked when I could have done. I will always regret that.

This amazing lady was bringing me up alone, struggling in so many ways, and working full time. I only wish I had the insight back then that I have now, all these years later. I just hope I didn’t make things any harder. At the time I was just a child, in so many ways removed from the reality of life. Still living in some idealistic bubble surrounded by my own agonies and importance. Looking back now, I want to pop that bubble. I want to shout at myself to realise what was right under my nose and to care for it and nurture it. I had the most fantastic mum in the world and I took her for granted. That hurts.

I can almost hear my mum’s voice as I write this piece saying that she wouldn’t have changed a thing. That’s Mum all over. She was a giver and, in the end, she gave everything. My job now is to take all that she gave to me and to pass it on. The unlimited love that she showed to me I must now share with my son and, eventually, any children that he has. This motherly love still shines from within me, everyday, even though my mum is no longer here. She lives on in the way that I live my life.

The University Issue

2010-08-21T18:00:00.003+01:00

Now it's not like me really to spit the dummy out on this blog. It's not really what I set it up for, more a light hearted banter about all things parenty really....but today I'm making an exception as I have things I need to get off my chest....

This week, of course, has seen the annual A level results released. And, for a welcome change, the headlines haven't been screaming of how the results are better than last year, the year before that, the year before that and the last 22,456 years too, no doubt. But the alternative headlines I have actually find even more difficult to comprehend.......

'At least 200,000 students who have applied to University will not get in'

Erm, OK. Is it just me who doesn't see a problem with this? At what point is everyone who applies to University SUPPOSED to get in? It's supposed to be competitive......not a given that if you fancy having a go at higher education, then why not?

I was taught to look at courses from age 15 or so, decide what I wanted to do...make sure I chose the right subjects from GCSE level and then work bloody hard to make sure I got onto the course I wanted.... I honestly don't think I ever assumed I would go, I had to work for it. And I didn't just want to go to University for the sake of going....I wanted that course, that subject because I felt a real love and interest in my subject....and that was why I worked hard enough to ensure that I got onto my first choice. If I hadn't, yes there were fall back options but I would have been devastated. And so I worked. Hard. And I got through. But I was fully aware that if I hadn't worked I wouldn't have gone. End of.

It, quite frankly, dumbfounds me that it can be seen as a 'given' that if you apply for university you will get a place.....to my mind it should be over subscribed, that's what pushes you to work. It's like applying for a job, many applicants - ONE job. That's how it works, it's how it should work in my mind. Because that's what makes people really question what it is that they want to do. Without wanting to sound like a snob, though no real apologies if I do, university is not for everyone and it worries me that it is pushed down children's throats as if it is the only way forward. It isn't and in pushing so much we are increasing the numbers of students applying for second or third rate courses and, as a result, devaluing the worth of every degree and person who holds one. We are also costing the country nationally and as individual families a whole lot of money. And for what? To me, it just isn't the way forward. Let's stop force feeding university to people who, given a free choice, would rather do something else. Let people really find their own vocation, their own interests and their own strengths then give them support to use them and develop them for the good of the country and themselves and their families. Yes, we do need academics, of course we do, but we need a lot more to keep the country ticking over too.

OK rant over.....

Is this really the time?

2010-08-20T16:41:00.002+01:00

Harry. Again. That boy, honestly! He comes out with the most weird and wonderful questions and statements. Things that you think you know but then suddenly find you can't explain? Do you know what I mean? If you're on Twitter I have set up an account to record them, you can follow @whatharrysaid

Take this week. It was Wednesday. It was 6:15pm, we had just finished eating....

'Mummy?...'

I take a deep breath.....there's a question coming and it could be on any subject, be about anybody (doesn't matter if I know them or not).....it really could be anything.

'Yes, Harry.'
'How did the first man or lady get on the Earth.'

Initially I think I had a little sigh of relief, then the bottom fell out when I opened my mouth and realised I didn't know where to start. It was Wednesday tea time. What a time to ask a question like that....

Anyway, I switched into 'repsonsible Mummy mode' and realised I should be happy that I have an inquisitive, intelligent son (though I may still have been grumbling slightly internally). I took a deep breath and explained that scientists believe in a process called evolution and I took him through some of the basics of evolving from apes, using tools, changing shape etc etc Then I explained that people who believe in the Bible believe that God made man and I told him the story of Adam and Eve. 'How did they get those names?' Erm, I still have no idea? Anyone know that? I said God must have chosen them and told someone....or something like that.

Anyway, he listened intently seeming to take it all in. I asked if he understood. He nodded. I relaxed. I put the kettle on.

Ten minutes later.....

'Mummy?'
'Yes, Harry?'
'So people who believe in the Bible think that Adam and Eve were the first people to evolve from apes?'

I'll start again.

4 years...but who's counting?

2010-08-17T12:50:00.003+01:00

Well, me actually. Today is four years since I lost my mum to cancer. And it's probably the first anniversary on which I have actually functioned. I feel OK. Have I had a cry? Yes, of course I have. Have I held Harry that bit closer for just that bit longer - you bet I have and there will be times later on I'm sure when the tears will fall again, but I'm OK.

Today I am making a concerted effort though not to dwell on the end of Mum's life. It's been hard to not focus on those difficult memories, after all they were traumatic and more recent than some others. But today I am trying hard to concentrate on Mum's life, not her death. She was so much fun and we used to have some really goofy times together, laughing until we cried half the time. I'm a lot like her and I'm glad of it.

I have some fantastic memories to get lost in and today is the perfect day to do just that. To allow myself to fall back into those thoughts, like sinking back into the comfiest armchair you can imagine and just remember...let the memories come flooding back. And there is more to that than you realise as in doing so I am brought back to myself, if that makes sense....reminded of who I am, where I come from...that essence inside of me that has always been there but has, at times, been buried over the years.

Today is a time to reach inside, to find that essence, that crystal and to give it a good polish. To admire its shine and its colours and to wear it proudly. This is me. And that is, in no small way, thanks to the wonderful person I am always proud to call 'Mum'.

Reading Lists

2010-07-29T16:58:00.002+01:00

I must first of all say a huge 'Thank you' for so much positive feedback and positive comments from my last post. I've been overwhelmed by the responses which came mainly in the form of direct messages on twitter, on facebook and to my email. I appreciate them all so very much - from the bottom of my heart, 'Thank You.'

And so, how was the actual appointment? Well it was fine. The Dr I saw was lovely, very easy to speak to and we went through a lot of things, albeit rather vaguely for now. I go back to see her again later in August and we talk about what happens next - it appears to be yet ANOTHER waiting list. This does raise questions.....as much as I may laugh about it sometimes. I first went to see my GP with the symptoms in January and now, here we are, almost in August and I'm about to be put on another waiting list. Thankfully I am coping, and I'm dealing with my symptoms fairly well for the most part but if I wasn't then what would have happened? I have jokingly said to friends, 'It's a good job I'm not suicidal eh?' But it's not really funny is it? Because some people are. Then what?

On a brighter note I'm looking forward to my psychic development course tonight - though it's the last one! How did that happen? I'm surging forward with my distance readings and did two last night. I'm hoping to get another couple in tonight if I can. I really love doing them and I only hope that my readings are accurate and provide people with as much joy and inspiration as I feel when I do them. I had to laugh last night as Harry burst into the room as I was doing a reading. He looked at the table, with the cards laid out with a puzzled look on his face. He doesn't like to not understand...and the best way he could think of phrasing the question... 'So what kind of this is this?' Where do I even start? lol

Right, time to put the kettle on I think.

Love and Light

Jayne

On the table

2010-07-27T20:43:00.003+01:00

Tonight isn't easy. In fact, it's far from it. You may remember earlier in the year I ended up taking 6 weeks off work on Dr's orders and was, eventually, diagnosed with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). Well, although I have now been back at work full time for a number of months of course the symptoms of this diagnosis have not gone away - there is no magic cure. I have been learning to deal with them, controlling them where I can and simply accepting them when I can't. It's been a steep learning curve but bit by bit I have put the issues back into the box they fell out of and managed to get on with my life, albeit knowing that at some point I would have to face the demons that are lurking in my head.

Tomorrow is the next stage of facing them. It is still seen by many as a taboo subject. Why would I want to talk about mental issues in my blog? It's fairly simple. Because, to me, talking about these things is important. It's a step to facing them and from stopping them controlling me by my fear of them. I also feel it is about time that this taboo idea was stamped out. So many people deal with mental health issues at some point in their lives and those very issues are compounded by the fact they are emabarrassed and feel unable to talk about their problems. It doesn't help anyone. I'm not saying we need to obsess about these things, that's not healthy either but we do need an open forum where the information people need is readily and easily available.

So, tomorrow I have an appointment. With a clinical psychologist. Am I embarrassed by that? No, I'm not. Am I nervous about it? Yes, very much so. I am going to have to face, head on, things that I have hidden for a very long time. And yet, through all the fear and panic of tomorrow there is also, on some level, a sense of looking forward to it. Some of these issues have been holding me back for a very long time and I'm looking forward to laying everything out on the table and holding my hands up and asking for help. I'm not good at asking for help, but tomorrow I will and I'm looking forward to moving onwards and upwards. It won't be an easy journey but I'll get there - just you watch me.

Sunderland International Airshow

2010-07-27T08:55:00.005+01:00

Wow - what a wonderful weekend we had in Sunderland. Harry and I headed up on Friday evening on the fairly lengthy drive but the anticipation of the airshow made for a journey filled with giggles and goofy behaviour.....

We arrived at the Roker Hotel, checked in and managed to fit in a quick pizza before settling down in our room with a sea view to watch the opening of the International Airshow. There were three planes in the launch and Harry and I watched spellbound as they flew at speed over the beach. These displays were followed by a fantastic fireworks display and we watched as we cuddled up on the window seat in our pyjamas and sipped hot chocolate.

Both days of the airshow were fantastic. I was working on both mornings as we did an outside broadcast from the decking outside the hotel. The terrace was heaving and the atmosphere just fantastic. The planes and pilots all put on a stunning show and HMS Westminster provided a great backdrop too. The weather stayed fine and warm which really helped! In the afternoons Harry and I went exploring and had lots of fun playing in various planes and helicopters and he loved the huge inflatable assault course too.

The real highlight of the weekend though was something totally unexpected. On the Saturday evening we got talking to some of the pilots, they were Royal Navy helicopter pilots and as I chatted to one he asked how Harry was enjoying it. I explained that he has wanted to fly since he was 3 or 4 and this pilot, James, called him over. He explained to Harry that when he had been 7 he had met a pilot who had given him a squadron badge - it had kept him motivated and inspired throughout his training. Now that he had his own badge, he was going to continue the tradition and he gave one of his own badges to Harry. It's a beautiful embroidered badge from 846 squadron and I don't think Harry has let go of it yet - I hope it continues to be as important to him. It's a lovely memory to have and it was made all the more special because James found it just as emotional too. I really hope this badge can be as inspirational to Harry as he grows and continues in his studies - maybe one day he can carry on the tradition himself.

These pilots were also performing in the display on the Sunday and promised Harry that as they flew towards the hotel they would dip the nose on the helicopter and flash the lights for him - and they did. Of course the emotion is intensified when you remember that these men will be back out in Afghanistan in September.

All in all it was a wonderful weekend and one we'll remember for a long time to come.

Boats, Planes and Toads....

2010-07-21T18:48:00.006+01:00

Good grief, nearly three weeks have passed almost since my last blog. I just don't seem to get time to sit and type these days, which isn't so good for someone who is aiming to at least keep up with the writing. After all, it's only just over a year since I stopped writing full time! What a change. I put a lot of it down to my iPhone! I no longer have to switch my laptop on to check on Facebook or Twitter, I can check my email on my phone in fact do pretty much whatever I need - so the computer is sitting here redundant! But I must change that....I do miss my writing and I really need to find a way for it to fit in with the 4:30am alarm calls!

So what's been happening......well, lots I suppose..... Harry has now broken up for the Summer holidays.....amazingly he will be in the juniors when he goes back, how the heck did that happen then? He's loving the time off so far and I'm really looking forward to the week off I have with him in August.

Work wise, well it's all happening. Last weekend I spent in Hull working with BBC Radio Humberside on the Clipper event. It was a fantastic day, just great to see so many people out to welcome the boats back and the atmosphere was really something. On the Sunday, Harry and I went toad spotting - yes, you read it correctly. There are toads all over Hull city centre at the moment to commemorate the 25 years since the death of poet Philip Larkin. Harry loves them, we've found 12 so far and will be doing more toad spotting very soon!

This coming weekend I'm up in Sunderland covering the air show for 103.4 Sun FM. Please do pop over and say Hello if you're up there, we'll be outside the Roker Hotel on both Saturday and Sunday. It should be a really good weekend - let's hope for some lovely weather to top it off.

If you are on Facebook, my friend Paul has been ever so kind and set up a little page for me, which you can find by searching for 'Jayne's Giggles'. I'm really flattered and would hope that we can have some fun on there so if you fancy it then please do search and join!

One final thing, I'm coming to the end of my psychic development course now, I will write a more detailed blog on that at some point - it's been AMAZING. As I practice I am offering to do some free distance readings. If you would be interested then please either drop me an email or contact me via Facebook or Twitter.

Think that's it for now - MUST NOT let another three weeks creep past. I'll be sure to take some good photos of the planes this weekend!

Tattoos and Eclipses.

2010-07-04T11:37:00.004+01:00

That demon black hole of mine caused me a few issues this last week but as of Thursday lunchtime something shifted the energy and I've been feeling a whole lot better. A lot of people have been feeling similar over the last 7 days or so and I don't think it's a coincidence that there has been a lunar eclipse and full moon to contend with. I have always been very sensitive to the full moon, it often brings a clearing and cleansing phase which can be hell to get through but leaves me feeling all the better for it once I have pushed through to the other side. I can't tell you what a relief it is to finally have met other people who experience the same things!

So, as of Thursday, things have picked up again. Well hurrah for that! You may remember months ago that I had a lot of time off work and was diagnosed with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)...well, from first going to my GP in january I have just received notice of an appointment with a clincal psychologist.....(only a screening appointment, mind!). It's opened up the box a little again as I now have a date and time that I have to face some difficult things again but I won't be backing out. It's something that I need to do and I WILL deal with all this and face it head on.

Yesterday I had a lovely day. Spent the morning with Harry playing and just generally being goofy (we're good at that!) then in the afternoon I headed into Chester and got my new tattoo. It's a sun and Harry's name at the top of my back. He really is my little ray of sunshine so it's something I love having with me all the time. Thankfully he loves it too. I'd spoken to him about it first so he knew I was having it done. At one point he was coming with me....until I mentioned the needle......then he changed his mind, or he'd 'shout at the man to STOP IT!'...probably for the best I went alone eh? lol

Race for Life

2010-06-30T21:58:00.003+01:00

We did it - in the Bridlington sun, Lara and I made our way around the 5K course in about 40 minutes and I'm so proud of the £270 we have raised so far for Cancer Research UK. Obviously, it's a charity that is very close to my heart and I only hope that they can find a way forward so that fewer people have to suffer at the hands of this horrible disease.

The day wasn't as difficult to get through as I thought it may be, the anticipation was worse.....I started tearing up in the car as we approached Sewerby Hall, seeing more and more people dressed in pink and wearing the back signs telling tales of those they had lost and of those people who are currently suffering. I had a little cry as my friend Becky pinned my back sign to my shirt but I held my head up and looked to the sky, a sheet of blue - just beautiful and that was enough to get me through the moment. My message was simple - I was taking part for My Mum.

Of course with thousands of people attending these events, it stands to reason that you can't park particularly close to the starting line - or finishing line for that matter! I know how far away we had to park - it was just past the 2K post on the course! So, we trundled 2K to the field and I joined the other runners.... I found Lara who was doing the race with me and we were straight away interviewed by Andy Comfort as he was presenting his Sunday Brunch programme live on BBC Radio Humberside. He asked Lara about her (lack of!) preparation and we had a giggle but he was more serious with me and asked about my reasons for taking part. I was pleased I could talk about my mum without losing any clarity....that's a huge difference from even a few months ago really. So, warm up done we met a few of the listeners and friends who had come along to support us... One of them being Pabs, whose name you may see popping up on my blog comments from time to time :-) It was lovely to finally put a face to the name after all this time and I hope we can meet up for a chat and a brew before too long!

So, it was time to set off.....we headed for the the joggers flag as we hoped to jog a bit and run a bit....which we did. The heat did make things slightly more difficult and tiring but I learnt a very useful lesson - it's impossible to run down hill in a breeze wearing bunny ears. So now you know!

I had my mobile phone going with some music to keep us going along the way too, though with my phone on my arm in an armband it wasn't so easy to control which song was coming next....this meant we had some rather questionable soundtracks choices....including Sunday Bloody Sunday from U2 and Therapy?s Screamager....oh and the Nolans twice! I know. What can I say? I have eclectic music tastes!

The finishing line in sight we managed to run the last part of the course and we were given our medals. After posing for a few photos we collapsed under a tree.....my head was pounding and I could have drunk a swimming pool! I wish we had more time to catch up with people afterwards but it wasn't to be and we had another 2K to walk back to the car, of course!

Next stop Bridlington for some chips and then back to Hull to watch the England Germany game in the pub...least said about that 90 minutes the better eh?

All in all I really enjoyed it, and I'm sure we'll do it again next year. It was a really lovely atmosphere and though I was worried about holding it together, on the day it was actually fine. I'm proud of myself on all counts and I know mum was shining down on me as brightly as the sun was :-)

Sports Day Shenanigans

2010-06-21T18:01:00.004+01:00

Today was sports day at Harry's school and yes, he was fully recovered and able to take part, thank goodness! The sun was shining and so as the year 1 and 2 children paraded out to take their seats there was an equally long parade of parents heading towards them all carrying suncream and hats.....me being me hadn't thought that far ahead and had to borrow some cream from another mum (ssshhhhh......don't want everyone knowing!)

All the children did ever so well, bless them. Little legs carrying little bodies as fast as they could, the determination on their faces as they pushed themselves (maybe the England football team could learn a lesson or two here...?) There was one incident of a little lad falling at the end of the sprinting race and landing on his head, cue a few tears and there were a few trip ups here and there but nothing that couldn't be sorted with a quick pat on the head.

The egg and spoon race seems to have been replaced by the ball and spoon race, heaven only knows why...some bizarre rule that I can't work out.....are not allowed to be egg-ist anymore? Thing is, eggs don't roll....balls do.... so as they fell off the spoons, which they frequently did, even more chaos was caused as they rolled into the other childrens' paths.

The bean bag on the head race is another old favourite too, Harry struggles with this, his hair is very soft and silky and not conducive to holding a bean bag, I couldn't help giggle when I overheard one of the dads saying he'd have to talk tactics to his daughter for next year and tell her to pick the bag with the least beans so it stays still more easily......honestly, does it really matter??!!

The obstacle course was nothing short of hilarious.....they had to run, go through a hoop, hop for a bit, run with a ball on a bat thing and then do the whole thing again back to the start.....could any of them work out when to run and when to hop? Could they hell as like....they were trying to hop over the hurdles, hop while carrying the ball..... and then running on the flat bit on which they were supposed to hop. All this while the teachers are shouting at them to hop, in Welsh of course.....'Hopio!'...... It was very funny to watch.

So all in all a good day was had. Harry did well, but then I would say that I suppose, I'm ever so slightly biased :) It was also good to know that there was no repeat of a particularly bad memory I have from one of my primary school sports days....We were doing the wheelbarrow race. I was on my hands and my best friend, Hazel was holding my legs. Everyone else had finished and we were last on the course, all eyes on us.....when Hazel stood on my wraparound PE skirt and it fell off. Devastated? Trust me, it doesn't even start to cover it........ literally!

Ups and Downs

2010-06-18T21:52:00.002+01:00

What a couple of days.....don't you just hate it when the littlies are ill? You just feel so damn useless and helpless as much as anything else. Harry came down with the mother of all tummy bugs on Weds night....I was up with him every hour from half midnight til half six in the morning.....*yawn* though bless him, he coped ever so well. Thursday should have been their school trip but it turns out TWELVE children in his year group were off on the same day with the same sickness bug so the decision was taken to postpone the trip....at least he hasn't missed it. Anyway, long story short he finally started to return to his normal, chaotic, hyper, noisy self this afternoon and, as I type this, he is by my side playing on the Wii....it's nice to have my bestest little buddy back :-)

I still managed to go to my psychic development course last night as H was able to stay home with Daddy. I just have so much fun on that course. Last night was the first of our two on clairvoyance and I just felt so open and one with everything we were doing. One of the other girls on the course did a 3 card spread for me which was spot on, she did a great job and I did a 3 card spread for someone else too, who equally seemed very happy and told me my reading made a lot of sense to him. I just love doing it and would really enjoy getting back into it all again as much as I can and as my confidence increases :-)

Today, spent most of the day Harry sitting, did manage a brief jog in the park, race for life is just over a week away and we have now raised £270 which I am over the moon about. This weekend is all about me and my little chappy - really looking forward to it.

Love and light xxxx

The hole vs the whole

2010-06-15T21:15:00.004+01:00

Good grief, has it really been a whole week since I last blogged? I suppose it must be.

Harry's audition went well. I was so proud of him, he sang loudly and clearly and was interviewed twice too, not sure if he's through to the next round but of course it doesn't really matter. He had fun and boosted his confidence which is the whole point.

I'm having a bit of a blah day today, struggling a bit to keep myself grounded, no matter what I try to do. I really feel I am moving along my spiritual path at quite a rate in some ways and yet in other ways I seem stubbornly stuck. I am accepting of this situation, as much as I can be and I do trust that the universe will support me through the process of growing and opening but that doesn't mean to say that some days it's just bloody hard going.

I have done a lot of clearing from my life in this last twelve months, I regret none of it and I have gained in so many ways. What it has brought to the fore, however, is that there is a huge great big ruddy hole within myself that I have the tendency to try to fill with a never ending conveyor belt of fads and obsessions, be they plans, treatments, hobbies or even people. This is a bad thing. It doesn't work and inevitably leaves me feeling even more empty as each passing phase comes to its end. I need to find a way of filling this hole with me, a way of making the hole whole as it were.

I suppose at least I am aware of the situation now.....it means I spend a lot of time sitting on the edge of the abyss staring down into it, desperately fighting against my instinct to fill it up again quickly. Thing is, when I fill it, it's like pouring water into a hole in the sand, the water leaks out through the bottom and before you know it the hole is empty again. I need to find more sand to fill the hole with. Sand that will stay put.

Ah well, there's my musings for tonight. I'm just going to write my psychic development journal and then 10 minutes meditation before sleep.....love and light xx

On a small person (that's not me!)

2010-06-08T21:34:00.002+01:00

Thank you so much for the lovely comments on my blog, I'm still not back online and blogging daily but I'm hoping to work back up to that eventually.

Things are still rather hectic, chaotic and ever so slightly crazy here at the moment - nothing new there then eh? I seem to be having to plan every minute to make sure that I get everything covered and sorted out....even as I type this I've remembered that I've not got my bag packed to go to the gym straight from work tomorrow as I won't have time to come back for it...aarrgggh....I hope I remember in the morning!

Tomorrow, my little darling has decided to audition for his school version of Britain's Got Talent. I have NO idea what has brought this on. At Christmas he was appalled at the thought of getting up on stage and speaking in front of an audience and now he has chosen to sing, alone. I'm half expecting him to change his mind when the reality sets in, but for now we await with baited breath. Has he practised? No. He's sung along in the car but if I so much as glance at him out of the corner of my eye then he stops singing abruptly and glares back....tomorrow could be.....interesting.

His question of the week came last night as I tried to relax with a coffee after dinner:

Mummy?
Yes Darling....
If you had a helicopter and stopped the propellors but spun the fuselage would it stay in the air?

Erm, I'll leave you with that.....answers on a postcard?

Writing Forwards...

2010-06-01T21:14:00.003+01:00

I wonder, can I still call myself a writer when I don't actually seem to write any more? I've not touched a short story for months and my novel is still, STILL stuck at 8967 words, see I don't even have to look that up any more, I just know it. Sad.

This last 12 months have probably given me more material to work with than any other period in my life but I think maybe I'm just still too far inside it all to actually work with it at the moment. Luckily, I have kept journals for some of the time and, difficult though they will be to read back, I know the intensity of the feelings will be etched on those pages for all time.

I'm currently researching retreats, with the idea of taking 5 days or so to myself later in the year. I'm thinking maybe October as I find that to be an inspirational time of year anyway. I'm not sure where I will go, I am open to all possibilities and trust that the right place will be brought to me at the right time. I am looking forward to it already though.....just me and my laptop, a notebook, a pen and a kettle - what more can a girl need?

The Perils of Broadcasting on Autopilot.

2010-05-26T16:05:00.003+01:00

Work, although I always pay attention to detail and like to get it right, can often be done on autopilot.....and by that I don't mean that I don't think about what I'm doing, I do, but I do sometimes go into some kind of altered broadcasting state.....if that makes any sense? I'm guessing most people do. For example, you're always careful to pour boiling water from the kettle into the cup safely, though you may be chatting at the same time.....

Well, today I gave myself a mortifying reminder of why I should try NOT to go into this autopilot state.....a reminder that will no doubt haunt me for weeks to come, knowing my colleagues it will probably follow me for months if not years..... I messed up. On BBC Radio Leeds. Just before the 1 o clock news. Sorry Radio Leeds......I really do know that British Airways aren't still be affected by resurfacing work. Really, I do. Sorry. And to make it worse it was a timed bulletin and I didn't have even a second to correct myself. Ooops. Did I mention I was sorry? I'll go and hide now.........oh dear!

I don't think he gets it.....

2010-05-23T21:41:00.002+01:00

My darling little boy, that is... Now, to me, he is wondderfully bright, articulate and clever but I may just be a little biased. On Friday they did a sponsored walk from school to the local country park, thankfully it was a beautiful day. But on Thursday night I may just have heard him utter the words, 'But why walk? Why can't we just get a coach?'. I'm thinking he may have missed the point?

On a similar note, it wasn't so long ago I spent a rather frustrating hour trying to explain the election to him. I felt I should try, my degree after all is in politics, I should be able to descirbe the basics without too much trouble. Wrong. It's impossible. He's 7. And as much as he did fairly well at understanding the actual concepts, the jargon and terminology just gets impossible. I mean, you can't explain anything without having to explain what you've just attempted TO explain.....candidates, parties (no, no cake or party bags), constituencies, Prime minister, councils, Goverment, House of Commons (no, not that kind of house), Downing St (er, yes that is a kind of house), House of Lords (no, that isn't...) it just goes on and on. Eventually his eyes had glazed over and my head was overflowing so I gave up. At which point he said he thought he got it. But he'd still just vote for his favourite colour, blue. I give up!

Catching up on the last 4 months......

2010-05-22T22:44:00.003+01:00

It's been four months since I last posted, wow and what a four months it has been. Thank you to those who have been in touch and commented....that means a lot to me, I'm sorry if I've not shown my gratitude enough. I really do appreciate and feel your support.

So, how are things? .....well, I'm getting there. I'm now back in work after taking 7 or so weeks off at the Dr's advice. I think it did me a lot of good, gave me the space and the time to react to what I was trying to deal with. But now I'm back, that's helping me too. I'm very lucky to work with an inspirational group of people who are there to help and support me when I need them too and make me laugh constantly - they are worth their weight in gold!

I'm amazingly STILL awaiting my first counselling appointment....shocking I know.... I've seen an initial counsellor who has diagnosed me with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).....she has referred me onto a psychotherapist....and I'm still waiting. I'm coping a whole lot better than I was, thankfully, but it does make me feel for those who struggle for long periods of time, those who maybe don't have the support that I do.

As for other parts of my life, Harry is getting bigger and bigger...he's 7 now... not my 'little' boy anymore, although in many ways he always will be of course. My separation from my husband is a lot more accepted and stable for the most part. We are all in the same house still at the moment, that won't work long term but for now it's OK. I have a broadened my horizons in terms of work colleagues and new groups of friends and I have points in time now where I really love my life. They come and go, but just to have them feels good......it's a long way from where I was last time I blogged! Life's on the up - hurrah for that :)

Dark clouds and silver linings

2010-02-04T18:53:00.003Z

I haven't blogged for so long, and even writing this now I'm not convinced I'm going to post it. Thing is that I'm struggling at the moment and I believe that many people have been down in this dark hole. And yet, despite the numbers of people who suffer through it, depression is still very much a taboo subject. I feel as if I have a dark cloud over my head as I type this, who wants to read about depression? Well, maybe someone does. Maybe, just maybe, it will help someone to know that they are not alone and not going insane.

I have been here before, I know the symptoms and I know I will survive. I will get there. Sometimes, it's only minute by minute but I will push through. I have knowledge of the causes of my feelings and, as I have mentioned before, I am awaiting counselling to help me with some of those issues. Maybe it will help me to share those here sometime, I don't know. Maybe some subjects are too much for a blog, I don't know.

So that's what's on my mind. I'm sorry if I have offended anyone or put a dark cloud on anyone's day but if I may have helped one person to see a glimpse of a silver lining then it's worth it in my opinion.

So far, so good....

2010-01-22T11:02:00.003Z

I'm managing to keep my more positive frame of mind, for now at least, which is great. It's a big help as I actually now feel I can cope with whatever the next few months may bring my way. I know the counselling I am going to undergo is going to be intense, but I also know it's the right thing to do and that I WILL get through....a few days ago I wasn't even sure I had the strength to start. I am still getting flashbacks and nightmares but I'm managing them better, maybe I'm getting sadly used to them, who knows, but the space I have at the moment is really helping me to feel I have the room to react however I feel I need to. It's invaluable. I'm back at the Dr on Tues so we'll see what happens there. I have a feeling another week off will make all the difference now I'm just starting to feel better, but I'll take her advice.

We're on the brink of another weekend, of course, and we have nothing planned at all! Bliss. I think tonight we may go for a meal of some description, don't know where yet, but that will be nice. Harry will need some cheering up - he's in punishment club in school this afternoon! His own fault, entirely! He's his own worst enemy, honestly! He got a 'red card' on Tuesday I think it was...... he's been told I don't know how many times to get off the ice at the edge of the yard...will he? No. So he gets a yellow 'warning' card for that.......one more wrong step at this point and it's the red card, red box and punishment club.... so what does he do? Say Sorry when asked why he did it? Oh no, he says he did because he WANTED to go in the yellow box!?! I ask you! Well, his teacher decides that's cheeky to the extreme and he goes straight into the red box! When I asked him why he said that he 'couldn't think of anything else to say'!!!! Honestly! I've told him, next time he can't think of anything else to say - just button it! Don't say anything!!! Or, sorry would have been a good bet! You have to giggle though!

Well have a good weekend all :)

One Step at a Time

2010-01-21T11:55:00.003Z

What a difference a day can make. I'm feeling a lot more human and a lot more positive today. I've had a couple of 'down hours' but on the whole I'm feeling better. Which I'm very relieved about, I was starting to worry about myself. Don't get me wrong, on this road there are going to be some difficult turns up ahead and some steep hills and troughs too, but with days like these mixed in, I'll be able to cope.

Had a lovely day yesterday. Met up with my best friend in the world and feel connected again......that feeling is so precious and that connection so vital. The light switch is back on again, and that means the world to me, I only wish I could figure out how to switch it on myself! Also spent some time up at the cemetary and put the flowers I bought on mum's birthday last Weds on her grave. I'm glad they're there now, they look lovely and cheerful, she'd like that. I spent some time browsing around the shops and enjoyed that too - big change from Monday when I spent all that time looking but not seeing anything.

So there we go. Today, Harry has a playdate after school at the house so I'll be cleaning up a little this afternoon. I'm taking it easily still, if I feel like a cry, then I have one. I'm still getting the nightmares too so if I feel like a nap, I have one. I'm so grateful for this space to sort myself out and for those very special people who are helping me to take one step forward at a time. I am forever indebted to you all :)

Nearly Hump Day!

2010-01-19T22:54:00.003Z

Tuesday again.....it's an odd day of the week isn't it? Monday is SO yesterday but you're not quite at Wednesday, the magic hump day....you've climbed to the top of the hill and can now coast down to the weekend. Anyway, since it's 22:55 I'm nearly in hump mode :) Not that the days mean so much as I have been signed off work for another week. Saw the Dr this afternoon and I have to go back to see her again in another week. More time to react to the situation in which I find myself and more time to look after myself....I'm not very good at that. Is anyone?

You know I'm very frustrated with myself in terms of my new years' resolutions! I've not done anything! Hardly any work on my novel at all - it hasn't grown by a single word, although I've tinkered around with it a little. I've not even looked at my short stories and I've not sent anything off to anywhere.... I don't know what my excuse is even now. I must sort that out.

Another resolution was to try my hand at a bit of art, the drawing kind.... I am not any good at all, believe me, but I do find it quite therapeutic. My Grandad was an artist. I never met him, he was actually buried on the day I was born (odd day for my poor Dad eh?!) but when I was younger I would get these urges to draw things, often at night, and they turned out fairly well. Any other time, I couldn't draw for toffee. I've always believed it was Grandad coming to visit me. I have no idea where those drawings are now. I'm sure I wouldn't have thrown the A4 pads out, but I don't know what happened to them. Anyway, I'm going to have another go. I bought some pencils and sketch pads earlier this week so I've got no excuse for not doing that now either....not even got them out of the bag yet!

Tomorrow, I am looking forward to. I'm heading up north to get a few things done. I may have a bit of a browse round the Trafford Centre (no money so won't be buying a thing!), then I'm heading up to the cemetary since we were snowed in when it would have been Mum's birthday last week, then heading over to see a very special person and then staying with my cousins over night (cue the chippy tea and a bottle of cider). I'm looking forward to the whole trip, it will be just what I need I think. In my current state of mind I'm convinced that nothing will go to plan but, what was my other resolution? To be more positive! So I'll have a go. It WILL be fine, it WILL....no, really....I'm sure it will :)

Cul-de-sac Sunday

2010-01-17T19:08:00.003Z

There were two choices today.....not blog, or write a grumpy, depressing one. Since this post has arrived, I've decided on the second option. Apologies for that.

Life, at the moment, isn't easy. At all. I'm not going to go into details but I'm going through some emotional issues, some of which have resurfaced after years of convincing me they'd gone. They haven't and so I have now made the brave move to tackle them head on. It's scary, especially on top of everything else going on at the moment. That does mean the next few months, at least, are going to be rather like a roller coaster.

What I always find difficult to is that when you are dealing with emotional problems, there are also real life problems too. If only you could pause the world so that you could just deal with the inside issues for a while, then hit play again when you were ready. But you can't, no matter how much you may want to. The two play against each other, jarring and causing no end of added friction. And when you think you may have found a way forward in one world, it doesn't fit in the other. This has been my finding today, having decided upon a course of action that seemed to show a light forward, reality has rendered it impossible and dumped more dirt on top of the path just for good measure. Now it's certainly a cul-de-sac, for the time being at least.

So life isn't easy, that's not really news to any of us is it? A friend told me of a saying she had seen outside a church the other day 'Calm waters do not make a good sailor' - no, maybe not. But I've never been that into sailing.....give me the calm waters, I'll go for a swim!

Decisions, decisions

2010-01-14T11:03:00.003Z

It's a wind and curving path isn't it, this walkway of life? You never quite know what is coming next....and maybe that is for the best. It would be rather dull if knew what was around the next corner I suppose. When I went to visit the Dr on Tuesday I didn't expect to be signed off work. But I was. And here I am. At least for one week, quite probably longer...... It's a strange position to be in but I'm embracing it at much as I can, resting, relaxing and allowing myself the space I haven't had.

Space and time can be dangerous things when you have them thrust upon you, I find. If I plan a week off then I have some ideas how to fill my time, things I would like to do and look forward to.....at the moment, I'm still in my pyjamas, can't decide if i want a shower or a bath or neither. There's so much snow outside that going anywhere, even for a walk is almost impossible.

I don't feel remotely creative today and am not drawn to writing at the moment. The way I feel I would probably kill my characters off or have a bomb land on the village....not the way I envisaged the plot going, to be honest. I can only assume that this weird headplace in which I find myself is actually doing me some good and that the Dr knows this is what I need.

I have so many decisions and ideas going round my head but I have no idea which ones, if any, are worth following up...and they are all life changing. At which point do I act and for how long do I sit here and see if they go away? Hasn't anyone written a manual for life yet?

Facebook is for Life, Not just for Christmas.....

2010-01-08T12:53:00.002Z

...or for any other short period in life! Or so it would seem.

Like many I sometimes question the amount of time I spend on Facebook. When I open my laptop I automatically go straight to Facebook. I don't know when or how this started happening but last week I decided enough was enough! There is more to life - there is a whole real world out here. And why I speak to people on Facebook when I can just speak to them in work....well, quite frankly, it baffles me!

And so, last Monday evening, I thought I'd do something about it. I was adamant. I was reclaiming my laptop. It's for my writing, first and foremost, not for social networking (and certainly not for social stalking!). And so, I made the big gesture. I hit the 'deactivate' button. There is no delete button, of course. Ever. Once you're signed up, you're there for life!

So there I was. Ever so proud. I was deactivated. I had disappeared from the Facebook alternative universe....my life was my own again. Wasn't it? Quick answer? No.

Next, the emails started......why had I deleted people from my friends on Facebook? I hadn't, of course, but this is how it appeared to my friends who had searched for me. I then had to send emails a plenty explaining that I hadn't deleted them, I had just deactivated my account and was spending some time away from Facebook. Next came more emails....was I OK? I'd been very quiet on Facebook recently..... more replies...., yes I'm fine thank you...and I'm just taking a break....etc etc ... By this point the texts had also started...... and replying to everything was actually taking more time than if I'd just stayed as I was!

And so, this morning, I reactivated my account...and updated my status to say that I haven't deleted anyone but am having a break from Facebook. What happens? People start replying to it...and asking questions....and writing on my wall! My conclusion? It is impossible to take a break from Facebook..........when you are lucky enough to have lots of wonderful friends who look out for you and miss you when you're not there. But, be warned....Facebook at your own risk - there is no way out!!!!

Tales of the White Stuff

2010-01-05T18:04:00.006Z

Wow. What a day. As I sit here the snowing is falling gently outside onto the garden, which already looks as if it has been layed with cotton wool. It looks beautiful....until you have to go out in it of course!

This morning I had a bit of a shock as there was no snow at home. None. Not a flake and there wasn't even any ice. I thought how nice it was to be that little bit warmer, left my gloves at home and settled into the car for the hour journey into work. Imagine the shock when, all at once, I found myself driving through heavy falling snow. Scary doesn't quite cover it! Within a few minutes I was through it and thought it was just a freak snow shower......until, another few minutes down the motorway, it started again! And got heavier. And stuck. Until there was only one lane of the motorway that was open. I knew then it was going to be a busy day.

And it was. I parked the car and trudged into the office, only to find out that I could probably have parked in the car park underneath! Of course this is where my job is one of the most frustrating in the world.........when it snows we are busy! You will have heard travel reports on the radio when it snows...they are long! Road closures, accidents, abandoned vehicles, cancelled trains.....you name it. But of course, this means we have to get into work....and can everyone get into work in that much snow? No. Of course not. So on our busiest days....we have fewest staff! It's just the way it goes, and it made for a very busy shift today! I haven't eaten anything properly yet! The way it's looking now, I don't think I will be able to get into work tomorrow.......it looks like the road out of the estate to the main road is blocked! Oh deary dear....and to think, now I know I could park in the car park! Typical!

Warm and cosy

2010-01-02T23:21:00.005Z

Heee, this is the life. I'm sitting on the sofa in my pyjamas and dressing gown...with a large warm fleece over my legs (let's not mention the fact it's green with Ben 10 on it!), with the fire roaring away in front of me and a mixture of Enigma and Goldfrapp on Spotify. Fabulous!

I've had a fairly good day on the whole, although a visit to my mum's grave was a very emotional one. Still, I think that does me good. It grounds me. Reminds me of who I am. It's easy to forget sometimes as I get so wound up in things that are going on around me these days. There's no point, I can't control them. I need to concentrate on me.

So, that's what I've done. I've written my blog for the weightwatchers website today (I'm amazed to only have gained half a pound over Christmas!) so that is now sent and I have also spent some time working on my novel too. I would have liked to have spent longer really but Harry wanted me to watch 'How it's Made - Super Cars' with him......so the laptop went into hibernate but at least I know how to make a crash test dummy and that there's a 3 year wait for a Ferrari spaghetti (or whatever it was called!).

Tomorrow - BIG CLEAN DAY and I have to take all the Christmas decorations down....see, the four trees don't seem like a good idea now do they? Whatever possessed me??????

In awe of words

2010-01-01T16:49:00.004Z

They're great aren't they? Words? I know since a lot of people who read this blog are fellow writers that you will probably agree but I've been thinking about them a lot today. You see, maybe I should be embarrassed to admit this, but I've rediscovered the humble wordsearch....you know the ones, a list of words to find in a grid of letters? I used to do them as a child with my Grandma and Auntie Ivy (wonderful memories) and so when I had a long train journey ahead of me a couple of weeks ago I thought I'd relive my youth and buy a book of them from the newsagent on the station platform.

As it happened I didn't open it all the way there. It snowed and the scenery was far too beautiful to miss out on on (as was the rather good looking chap who sat opposite me!) and so the book remained closed. However, I now have it by my bed (the book that is, not the handsome young man!)and have taken to doing at least one puzzle every night before I go to sleep. I wish I'd done it years ago. It's so relaxing and has really opened my eyes to the 'world of words' again. It's so easy to take them forgranted.

I don't know about you but I can't just get into bed and sleep....I could once but I think there is too much going around my head at the moment. It doesn't switch off that easily and words really are the way of quietening it down and focusing on something.....on slowing down and relaxing. Most nights this involves a mixture of a wordsearch and then a chapter of whichever book I am reading. It works a treat. But I now find myself in pure wonderment of words.....aren't they fantabulous?!

On the Cusp

2009-12-31T07:03:00.004Z

Well, here we are then...on the cusp of a New Year, a new decade....a whole new period of magical changes and exciting happenings. It's a big day and I can feel the air vibrating with anticipation this morning. It's a strange time for me, with the changes that have taken place in my life over the last few months but it means that for the first time in years I am fully in control of my own choices and plans.....well, me and the flow of destiny anyway. Infact, one of my main aims this coming year is to give myself more fully to the energy of the universe and to trust in the magic that is all around me. Yes, I can control my inner conditions, I can control my mind and my feelings but I have to accept more freely that I cannot always control the outer conditions and that which goes on around me. I have to simply be me....as I read in a quotation somewhere....'Be yourself...everyone else is taken'.

I'm so determined that 2010 will be a creative year for me, in many ways. I am already planning my writing goals and I am looking forward to plugging away at them. I am hoping to promote myself more too, in all aspects of my work and I am also trying to find ways to be more positive. I am all too easily led into feeling negative, feeling down and like a victim......it's a trait that runs through my family! No more! It doesn't do me any good, it certainly doesn't do those around me any good and it attracts nothing but negative responses from the rest of my life....that's no good to me and I'm going to do my utmost to turn it around. If I start posting negative blogs then PLEASE, someone, slap me! (Metaphorically of course!)

So there, we go.....this will, no doubt be my last blog of 2009.....wishing you all love and light....and a happy, healthy and magical 2010.

On the seventh day of limbo my true love gave to me....

2009-12-27T21:24:00.004Z

They're odd, aren't they? These few days between Christmas and the New Year? I don't quite know what to think about or what to do with myself, it's frought with contradictions and opposites! I mean, for example, it's the BIG sales in the shops, Boxing Day sales are the big thing these days of course and after a trip to the Trafford Centre yesterday the people were out in their hundreds (thousands?!) to pick up the savings on offer and hit each other about the calves with bulging bags.....but, is it just me, or is the day after Christmas the last day you feel you can go shopping? Don't get me wrong, I'd love to - but Christmas itself is such a strain on the old purse strings there is no way in the world I could go on a spending spree on Boxing Day! Maybe after the next payday, if I'm lucky....though after being paid early for Christmas that seems a very long way away at the moment!

And then there's the more emotional, spiritual limbo.........it's a fantastic time to look forward to the New Year of course and consider what changes you may like to make to life.... Again, this year, for the (enter x here)th time, my resolutions include losing weight. To be fair, I'm not doing badly but I have further to go..(enter shameless plug for my blog on http://www.weightwatchers.co.uk/). But, do I start now, or do I wait for the 1st Jan 2010 and play a silent fanfare to myself before filling up the fruit bowl? I mean, I'm still surrounded by non weight loss food....still at least half a Christmas cake to finish, the mince pies are only half eaten and the Christmas pudding we couldn't face on the day is still still in the wrapper.... so do I somehow get rid of all this and start the diet properly again now? Or do I eat all the fatty stuff and give myself more work to do in the New Year? Decisions, decisions eh?

As for my writing....well, I'm determined to crack on in 2010, it's been too long. I have short stories written that I have done nothing with and my novel has been sitting at a little under 9000 words now for over a year. No more. I'm going to re read it in the next day or so and hope some inspiration hits me as I do. This is my first novel and so it's like starting a drive to Africa, without a map. I'm hoping there will be some signposts along the way! Needless to say, if anyone has a spare hour and would like to read it so far then please let me know. I am going through a stage of wondering whether it's any good and worth carrying on with! Insecure? Me? Never! lol

The Mind of Solstice

2009-12-20T20:22:00.002Z

What is it about this time of year that feels so magical and promising? The festive season never fails to touch me in this way. I may struggle with the whole buying, wrapping and exchanging gifts bit (although I've never been THIS far behind before!) but the Winter solstice always leads me to parts of my soul and my mind that other times of year don't. Maybe it's the promise of the New Year just around the corner. A time for rethinking, for planning and for promising. A time when it's fine to reassess what you have and want you want from your life and a time for working out how you can take those first steps to get there. It's a time filled with faith and with hope for the future.

For me this it particularly evident this year but looking back 12 months I find just as inspiring. I would never, not in a million years, have expected to be in the situation I find myself today. And that just goes to show me that, yes it's great to look ahead and think of goals I want to achieve, but it's also a time to wonder at the journey that is life. We can never know where we may be taken next. We never can plan for the hills and valleys, for the people and forks we encounter along our path. So, as much as I am enjoying looking forward to 2010 I am also wondering in amazement at the things I cannot know. I have a few places I would like to stop by and visit in the next 12 months, I have people I would love to share the journey with, but I must never be blinded by these alone. For in doing that, I will miss so much.

Busy few days

2009-12-16T18:44:00.002Z

What a busy few days I have ahead and I'm already feeling very tired! Oh deary dear! lol Today I have had a trip over to see someone who is very special to me and it's been too long since my last visit. It was well worth the 3 hour drive home in the pouring rain and I will be wishing for more special time together before too long.......

Tomorrow I head down to Cambridge to spend time with another very special friend....., Jo. We went to school together and were very close but, as so often happens, we lost touch when we went to different universities. We found each other again through facebook a few months ago and have spoken on the phone since, as well as exhanging emails and texts (that first phone call was over 3 hours long!) Anyway, tomorrow I get the train down to stay with her and her partner as tomorrow is her birthday. It will be just fabulous to see her again and we are heading into London to a Ginger gig, one of her favourite artists. I'm sure it will be a really special night and I can't wait :) On Friday we will drive all the way back home, I hope this forecast snow doesn't cause us too many problems.

Saturday I'm off galavanting again as it is my work Xmas do. I'm really looking forward to this one too :) I mean you can't go wrong with a free Pizza Express meal really can you? Add to that the fact that I'm lucky in that I love the people I work with to bits and it should be a good night! On Sunday I will drive back home again....and probably collapse in a heap. Or I would, but I'm guessing my son will want to play as Mummy won't have been around much the last few days!

Of course, Harry finishes school for Christmas on Friday too, I don't. I'm working right the way up to Christmas Eve, which I don't mind, although I have a LOT of Christmas shopping still left to do. In fact, if I'm honest, I haven't started really. oooops. Oh well. Can't be helped and there's nothing I can do until some money arrives in the bank so that's that!! I'm quite looking forward to a last minute dash this year if the truth be told. Thankfully I don't have that many people to by for :)

Where's my Christmas feeling gone then???

2009-12-14T11:25:00.002Z

Don't you just hate it when you start to blog but have no idea where you are going? You don't really feel you have anything to say but want to say it anyway. Well, that's me today. Things seem rather surreal in life at the moment and I'm trying my best to embrace that, but it is unsettling me a little.

Today Harry is having his Christmas party at school, no doubt with another visit from Sion Corn..he'll have a wonderful time, I'm sure! It's going to be a busy week one way and another and I'm really hoping the weather isn't going to put a spanner in the works! I have lots of visiting to do and lots of travelling too.......somehow though I can't get excited about any of it. I don't know why, I wish I could. I think I've got into a rut of assuming something will go wrong....depressing eh? I wish I could just snap out of it. Wednesday is a particularly important day for me, if that goes to plan then I think everything else will fall into place...if that goes wrong then it's going to be hard to hold the rest together in all honesty.... please keep your fingers crossed for me if you can.

I still haven't managed to write a single word on my novel and I haven't written any more poetry either. As I say, things are just weird today.......just plan weird and not very Christmassy... I'm no fun am I?!?!

Last Minute? Me?

2009-12-12T12:46:00.003Z

As you know, it's not like me to leave something to the last minute.....much! Thursday was my local writing group Christmas meeting...I wasn't sure whether or not I would make it and so hadn't written anything to take with me. At 6:15pm I decided I would be able to make it....but I hadn't anything to take with me......by 6:20pm I was lying on the bed, pen and paper in hand.....by 6:40 I had managed to write something that at least reduced me to tears...would have to do. So, into the shower, dressed and out by 6:55pm. What an evening and I'm so glad I went. It was so lovely to see the other groups members, I haven't made a single meeting since September due to clashing events on my calendar, I must make sure I can make the rest! And I think the poem went down well enough, although obviously it needs some work doing to it. I was just glad I had actually written something. That's a big step for me at the moment as I haven't been writing at all for months, I mean to but just don't seem able to sit down and do it. I'm hoping this poem will be a turning point for me.

Talking of leaving things to the last minute, to say I am getting slightly stressed about Christmas is a total understatment! Normally by this point I have everything done, not wrapped admittedly, that's always a Christmas Eve job, but I have everything ready to go. Not this year. I have three presents bought and that is it. Completely. Nothing else at all. Oh dear. But that's not the half of it. Due to current circumstances I also have no money to do anything about it. Until three days before Christmas Day! It's going to be one HUGE last minute rush this year. Maybe it'll be fun eh? Here's hoping. I may just go grey thinking about it.

This coming week is going to be a busy one too, not ideal when people are starting to talk of possible heavy snow. Can I please make it known now, oh powers that be, I don't want snow this week! It can't happen, it'll scupper mi plans good and proper! Please, nice mild weather.....at least until next Saturday!

The Nativity

2009-12-08T21:31:00.002Z

It's been a busy old day today. Work was quite a giggle. I suppose I am very lucky with my job really. There aren't so many opportunities to get paid for talking and having a laugh and I certainly do most days! It used to be even more fun when I had even more stations on my shift but this is always how it works, swings and roundabouts.....I'm still very happy with my stations :)

This evening was Harry's Christmas concert in school He didn't have a big part this year but I enjoyed every single minute. There is something spine tingling about a school nativity. From the moment they filed out to 'Away In A Manger' on the piano I was filling up. They all sang their little hearts out. Just adorable.

There's not much else to report I don't think. I'm preparing mentally for the funeral I have to attend on Friday, I'm sure it will go fine but it is preying on my mind a little. I also have a meal out to look forward to on Friday evening and a get together on Thursday too if I make it. It's all busy busy busy up to Christmas.

The situation on the whole is OK though tonight. I had lovely uplifting conversation yesterday that really cheered me up and helped me to look through the darkness that can sometimes devour me and see a glimpse of light shining on me through the gloom. I am lucky to be able to see and feel that light and I am forever grateful to those who help me to find it and also move towards it.

What Can I Say?

2009-12-06T16:41:00.002Z

I can't tell you how good it feels to be logging onto my old blog and typing again...it's like coming back to an old friend after too long away. It feels comfortable and relaxing....mmmmm

Today has been an up and down kind of day to be honest. I struggled first thing this morning to find any positive worth getting up for....that wasn't helped by the fact that Harry, little darling that he is, woke me up in the middle of a dream. Don't you hate it when that happens? If you get back to sleep again quickly enough sometimes you can catch up where you left off, but that wasn't possible this morning and I can't even remember what the dream was about now. It's left me feeling slightly off balance all day.

As I wrote yesterday, it's kind of difficult to work out what I can and can't write here. I don't like that feeling but it's one I need to think about. Thing is, a lot has changed and in order to share the things going on in my head here, which is what I feel a blog is about, it is neccessary to at least explain the outer conditions. Without them the inner ones won't make much sense at all. There are more complications than you can throw a stick at and if you'd told me I'd be in this mess 6 months ago I would never have believed you. But here I am. If there's one thing I have learnt over the last few months it is that NOTHING is black and white.....and there is more than one shade of grey too.

I suppose it is enough to give the outlines without the detail, I know the people who read my blog will not judge or criticise me, they know me well enough for that....it is the people I don't know that I need to think of...and when I say that, I don't mean to say that I am worried what other people think, but that in the public realm there is always the possibilty that someone will stumble upon this writing who knows some of the people to whom I refer. But I will only say that I type from the heart and, I suppose, if anyone does happen upon this blog who knows me I would hope they would respect and listen to what I say.

Short version I suppose is that in July I left home. I needed to follow my heart and it was no longer at home. I stayed away for around 10 weeks when I came back as I needed to see my son more frequently. I missed him a lot. So now I am back, but with my own space. Though times are not easy and sometimes can be awkward, the house is big enough to share and we are all getting along OK, for the most part anyway. The rings are off, the statuses (statii?!) on facebook are deleted...you get the idea. So that is where I find myself. It's a very odd situation and I am not really sure where I go from here or what I do. I'm taking time to be myself and taking each day and opportunity at a time. That feels good. I no longer feel trapped or hindered, other than by finances but I think we all feel that. So, in many many ways I am in a much better place. I have hopes and dreams for my future but many of these plans are out of my hands and so I can only wish that they may come to fruition when the time is right. Patience is not my strong point and I am certainly being tested on that at the moment. I hope it is a lesson I can pass.

And so today has been a day of feeling the frustration of the situation and some days I can breathe in the light and positivity, others I feel the depths of darkness and impatience. Today has been the latter although I have been striving for light and love. I think on the whole I have done fairly well. We'll see what tomorrow brings. I hope this blog makes sense, I am aware of having rambled around whilst probably saying very little.........

2009-12-05T12:42:00.002Z

I know, I know.....I'm a stranger....it's been so long since I updated my blog - but there are reasons I promise you. Much has changed in my life, more than I ever thought could to be honest and, as much as my heart wants to write about it all, as there are other people involved and the web is a public domain I will need to be careful with how I word everything....

Having said that I miss my blog and the friends I have in blogland so I will be updating regularly again from now on. Right, off to catch up with what everyone has been up to :)

J x

From under the Sun.....

2009-06-01T12:51:00.002+01:00

Wow, where has this glorious weather come from then? It's been absolutely beautiful the last few days and I'm enjoying every second.

Yesterday I managed a 35 minute walk in the sun too which was great......except for the red arms! I only wish I felt better in my Summer clothes as I promised myself I would.....still, there are a few weeks to go yet until I board a plane for my first holiday of the Summer! I WILL feel better by then, honest (where have I heard that before?)

The early starts are still getting to me but at least my shift is quite good fun. I have some lovely radio stations to broadcast to with some fantastic people too. The mornings go quickly and I am enjoying being back behind the microphone.

The Bean is doing fine, he's back to school today after a week off so we'll see what happens! Over the last few weeks we have had more red cards than I care to mention but I hope we're on the up now. He came up with a funny phrase over the weekend, apparently when you come to a roundabout and go straight on that is now known as a 'straight onner'. Make sure you use it conversation at least once today OK?

Right, time to dial into Radio Humberside again.............

Hello strangers.

2009-05-26T13:29:00.002+01:00

I know, I know.....it's been months since I blogged. Life has taken over, somehow! Still, I must try to keep blogging, it does help me to keep (in)sane!!!

I am now working hard, back broadcasting 8 hours a day. I'm working from 6am, an hour away from home, so you can imagine what time the alarm goes off - yup, 4:30am! Needless to say it's been a bit of a shock to the system.

As if that wasn't enough, we have also moved house this weekend. Well, nearly! There are still plenty of things to ferry from the old place to the new but we have a good few weeks to do it in, thankfully.

Poo SLA is still having teeth troubles and has been to the dentist to have one tooth out this morning, poor thing. He has also changed dentists and is hoping for a vast improvement in service from this new one.

As for the writing, well it's fallen a bit by the wayside for the moment, sadly. I've not even been able to make it to my monthly writing group meeting although I am hoping to still read at the annual reading night in July. I'm really planning to write again in the long term but, short term, I find I have just too much going on at the moment! Things will change, in time. That's one thing we can all count on, of course. I still have some writing clients and so that work is ticking over slowly.

That's it for today, really. I'm about to write my weekly weightwatchers blog - I have to do it from work until the broadband is connected at home! That can't come a minute too soon!

Lights in the sky.

2009-03-27T09:51:00.002Z

Only a quick update but I just had to share how amazed I was at something I witnessed last night. Now me and 'space' have a love hate relationship. Yes, I am fascinated and in awe of the sky, the stars and the planets yet, at the same time, I don't like to think about it all too much. It makes me feel very small, very insignificant and scarily mortal and finite! Still, last night we had the news on and the weather man mentioned that at 20:01 the international space station would be visible in the sky and, possibly, so would the space shuttle that is on its way to dock with it.

For once it was a clear night, usually when these things happen we can't see a thing for clouds, but it was crystal clear last night. The Bean was already in his pyjamas but at 8pm we headed onto the drive. At first we couldn't really spot anything unusual but then my hubby found what we were looking for. It was a bright light, rather like one of the planets, but it was moving quickly across the sky. It was just amazing to think that this was something man made, something carrying people. And then I spotted another similar light following the first - the shuttle. These two lights crossed the sky in front of us in two or three minutes and then were gone but it's really left an impression on me. I can't quite describe why but I feel so happy that I saw them. I think they will be visible tonight as well, although a little later. Maybe I'll have another look. The shuttle may have docked by then. It's just amazing to me. :)

Thoughts and preparations

2009-03-22T15:26:00.002Z

Another Sunday, already! And it's Mothering Sunday too so Happy Mothers' Day to all the mummies out there. I had a lovely card, two bears and a box of maltesers yesterday which was great, we usually celebrate on the Sat since I'm always in work on the Sunday.

I was saddened to hear of the death of Jade Goody this morning, how awful for her to die on Mothers Day. My thoughts are very much with her family, especially those beautiful two boys. What a hard time lies ahead for them all, I hope they remember her strength, grit and, of course, her infectious smile. Her death has brought back many memories of my mum these last few weeks, I;m hoping that once today is through I will remember the happy times more than the hard ones a little more.

I'm in work broadcasting for the next two days, on earlies too so I'm going to be very tired each evening! I have another 6 articles to write for VisitBritain before the contract finishes at the end of March and tomorrow I'll need to write my latest Weightwatchers blog.

I have received the date now for my interview for admission onto the PGCE course at university, it's next Monday and so I need to really make a start on my presentation. I think I'm decided on the subject but I really need to start thinking about writing stuff down and getting myself sorted! Maybe then the panic will really set in! lol

The Bean is still doing well, parents' evening went without a hitch last week and he came home with a bronze certificate and enamel badge on Friday for gaining 25 merits! Whooo! He's one clever little munchkin :)

Right, time for Radio Lancashire again, maybe I've just got time to put the kettle on first!

It's non stop 'round here!

2009-03-15T17:25:00.002Z

I love my sofa. Especially my corner of it. A few weeks ago I used to spend most of my time there, with a large cup of tea on the occasional table ( not sure what it is most of the time) and my laptop carefully balanced on the arm. There were times I wondered if I would take root there. Now, it's a different story. I don't get to sit on my sofa, what a treat that would be. An hour of peace and quiet......what a wonderful thing that would be. Alas, these last couple of weeks have just been non stop and, so far, I see no return to my quiet, sedentary life.

The three days of shadowing in a local secondary school went well, Mon - Wed of last week. I thoroughly enjoyed the whole experience and it has made me more certain that I really want to do my PGCE. I learnt a lot from sitting in on the classes and observing the teachers and students. The school has a lovely atmosphere and I would love to be able to do one of my placements there when the time comes.

On Thursday it was the Bean's birthday. He had a wonderful day, starting nice and early to unwrap his presents before school. He wore a big 'Birthday Boy' badge on his uniform and the class sang Happy Birthday to him. In the evening, his party was a wonderful success, children and adults seemed to have a good time. After a little more playing it was time for bed. One happy and tired 6 year old.

On Friday it was the next round of the Urdd Eisteddfod. The bean and others from his school all did ever so well. The Bean just missed out on progressing to the next round but he did himself and the school proud.

And so, on to this coming week. I've agreed to do up to four broadcasting shifts this week to cover for a friend who has lost a close family member. I'm not sure how many days I will be working but I'm happy to take it as it comes. The shift is an early one and so I'll be in for 5:45am.........tomorrow will be hard after my 12 hour shift today but I'm sure I'll get through - with strong coffee!! It's also parent's evening this week too! I wonder what his teacher will have to say about the little chap!

What a busy week!

2009-03-08T09:08:00.002Z

It seems a lot of fellow bloggers are struggling to blog recently! Makes me feel a little less bad about it! I don't know where the hours, days and weeks go.

Things are still hurtling along at a tremendous pace with one thing and another. This coming week will prove to be nom stop. I'm shadowing an RE teacher in a local secondary school Monday to Wednesday, it's the Bean's birthday on Thursday (and his party too) and then on Friday.....well more about that in a little while!

First things first, Monday to Wednesday. I am so looking forward to spending some time in the classroom again. I loved the day I spent at my old school but it's hard to know whether I enjoyed it for what I was learning or simply because it was my old school. It was like going home, so comfortable and cosy. Tomorrow will be a new school filled with new people and, no doubt, new challenges. I hope I come out the other side even more positive about this big move I am making.

Thursday - the Bean's birthday, can he really be six already? He's such a wonderful, special little munchkin and I hope his birthday is a whole lot of fun and happiness for him. We're planning on getting up early so he can open his presents before school and then his party is 5-7pm at a local playbarn. We're not going over the top, only about 11 children but it's enough. Somehow, I must remember to drop the food list off at the venue by Tuesday and take him to choose his cake too. I was holding a hope that I'd have a go at making one for him this year but with the way to week has fallen there's not much chance of that! Maybe next year!

Ah, so onto Friday....Friday the 13th of course. I can't remember if I had posted that this was the date I had been asked to attend the University for interview for entry onto the PGCE course? Well, of course I'd accepted. Then, Weds just gone, the Bean came home with a letter in his reading bag. He's been chosen to represent the school in the next stage of the eisteddfod! Whooo! When is it? Yup, next Friday. I wouldn't want to miss it for the world and so I phoned the university who were only to happy to move me to the group for the next date. So I'm waiting to hear when that is now. So Friday, we have to be at a local theatre in time for the class in the morning. If he gets through that stage then the next round is later on the same day.

So that's what's happening this week! Will I get time to blog? Who knows but if not I'll be sure to update next weekend! Wish me luck :o)

Interviews and nerves

2009-03-02T11:37:00.003Z

The start of another week and I think, so far at least, it will be a fairly quiet one. There's not much in the diary so I'm planning to make the most of the time and catch up on a few jobs.

One big job I have to do is to prepare for my PGCE interview next Friday. The day not only involves the 'formal interview' but also a written task and a 5-10 minute presentation and so I will be spending a good amount of time this week working out which subject to concentrate on and preparing the presentation itself. I'm very excited but also increasingly nervous about the prospect......I'm sure I'll feel better once I've made a start.

Next week is the Bean's birthday - 6 already - and I'm still trying to sort out his party. I've left it a bit late to be honest as he didn't seem to worried about having one this year. Still, I'm sure we'll have it planned for the day! Honestly!

Writing wise, I've done two articles this weekend for a website based in Suffolk and I'll be doing my WeightWatchers blog this afternoon as well. Things are ticking over. I was broadcasting yesterday all day so I'm only half awake today......yawny yawn....maybe it's time for a brew :o)

Interviews and Memories

2009-02-26T16:35:00.004Z

Oh deary dear.....I've got out of the blogging habit, haven't I? Must try to fit blogs in more often.. Things have been slightly chaotic around here, just for a change. I don't know where the days go.

I had some good news today as I logged into the gttr website to check on the progress of my application for the PGCE course. I've been invited to interview! Eeeeek! I did a double take, heart stopped, did a happy dance, panicked and mourned that I couldn't phone you know who with the news. She'd be proud. Hell, she IS proud. Somewhere. And not that far away.

So, anyway, interview, apparently, is on 13th March. Yup, Friday the 13th. Typical but since Mum was born on that day I see it as a lucky omen. I'll no

doubt be getting more details through the post very soon, until then I'll be equally excited and petrified! It's also the day after the Bean's birthday so that should keep me occupied in the build up!

On Tuesday of this week I spent the day up at my old secondary school. I had a fabulous day. It took me a little over an hour to get there but it was SO worth it. I observed the RE teachers all day, they were both lovely. One was Mrs Wood who taught me when I was there so it was a really lovely experience - felt just like going home. I could possibly do some of my training there too but I'll have to consider all the options if it becomes a real possibility - it is such a long journey to do every day.

The Bean is fine - still proclaiming on a daily basis that he 'hates school' but I'm fast learning not to take it to heart. I'm hoping it's just a phase and that, at some point, he'll learn to love the place......fingers crossed! He does seem to still be doing very well though, I think he may be a little bored at times. Next week sees the next round of the Eisteddfod - here's hoping he wows them! :)

Spanish picnics and submitted forms.

2009-02-23T16:08:00.004Z

I know, it's been a while! Sorry about that. Life got in the way of blogging there for a while...it's been non stop with one thing and another.

So, half term is over and done with....as is our trip to Spain to visit my Dad. Everything went pretty well, all things considered. My poor hubby came down with a tummy bug the day before we flew and so spent most of the day in the bathroom. He was as white a sheet, poor thing, and how he managed to get it together enough to even get to the airport is beyond me! Still, we arrived at my Dad's on time and it was lovely to see him. We spent some lovely time on the beach and I had an indulgent paddle along the waves with the Bean. We had some lovely meals -nothing Spanish though, you understand. That's the thing you see, with the area Dad has moved to. It may be in Spain but you wouldn't know it! There's the Phoenix pub, the Pasty Shack for lunch, the local corner shop where Dad stocks up on his HP sauce....there's Scampi's chippy, the Rose and Crown pub, Murphy's Bar.....and so it goes on.....and on! We had some lovely picnics for lunches too - Dad does a great picnic. And it's a bit of a spectacle for those around too.......you see, when they emmigrated, they took the picnic table with them too. It was from Woolworths I think, a long time ago. Folds up into a carry case with handle but unfolds to reveal a table and four attached bench seats - you have to see it to believe it! lol

Anyway, twas a lovely break, even with the 4 hour delay to the flight coming home.....without it I may not have succumbed to the Haagen Dazs ice cream kiosk in the departure lounge....and I'm so glad I did!

Bean was back in school today (seems happy enough) as was SLA. He's still there at a meeting. Tomorrow promises to be a big day as I am heading back to my old school in Lancashire to shadow one of my teachers for the day! The PGCE form is in and I'm waiting to hear back from the university now. It's all scary stuff - I think I'm half terrified and half excited! Typically, the day after I submitted the form I landed a commission for 15 articles and another project that could bring in a regular monthly income too. Just typical! lol

Here's a frog with the latest travel news........

2009-02-15T08:42:00.003Z

Blogging at 8:42am, it can only mean one thing. Yup, it's Sunday again and I'm in work.

This is the third week that I have been struggling with this virus and I am still really not able to broadcast. I sound more like a frog. I don't speak, I croak. It hurts to project my voice, not much voice comes out anyway and I find myself gasping for air. I am trying to decide my plan for the rest of the day. Until 2pm I only have two bulletins an hour, which I am just about getting through. After 2pm this rises to about 9 an hour and I really don't think my throat will stand for it. As much as I really don't want to I think I may have to phone my line manager later this morning and see if there's a plan B we can put into action.

Yesterday we had a lovely Valentine's Day - hope you did too :o) We took the Bean riding in the morning (he's still loving it) and then in the afternoon we went for a browse around the shops, a scoot (the Bean) by the sea and then for an Indian meal. I'm still stuffed - don't think I'll need to eat until at least tomorrow!

Only a day or so now til we head off to Spain for a short visit to my Dad. I'm really looking forward to seeing him and also looking forward to a bit of sun. As I look out of the window here in work I can only see smog and fog - not pretty. I'm also looking forward to having both my boys with me for the week. I love school holidays! No packed lunches to make, no worrying about uniform.......lovely!

I've not been doing a whole lot, work wise recently. Now I am set on applying to do my PGCE it's been taken a little out of my hands, really. I'm currently waiting for my reference to come through from my old university tutor. However, this week I do need to do 4 articles for VisitBritain and my WeightWatchers blog. I'll try to get them done early on in the week I think.

So that's life chez moi at the moment..........I think I'll pop down to the kitchen for another brew. Number three of the day :0) Well, I have got a sore throat. Then I'll try to work out what to croak to my manager when I phone him. Hmmmmmmm

Piles and recitations

2009-02-12T12:22:00.002Z

Friday? It can't be Friday tomorrow? Not yet! Am I the only one who doesn't know where the days go? It seems mere moments since it was Monday and I had the week stretched out in front of me.

This morning I had a lovely cup of tea and a slice of toast with a friend. It was divine to sit back and enjoy....mmmmm. Then I came home and realised just how much house work I need to do today to get home looking something like accpetable! We have piles of stuff on top of piles of stuff, and all I do is move one pile to somewhere else........must actually sort through them one of these days!

We had some good news earlier in the week, I don't think I've blogged it yet, but the Bean has made it through to the next round of the Urdd Eisteddfod! YAY! His solo recitation, in the under 8's category, is coming on leaps and bounds and we're so proud. His teacher said she'd loved watching him, because he was so dramatic and acted it out so well. Bless. So, school eisteddfod next stop and if he gets through that round then he'll go forward again! How exciting. It's great to hear him doing so well, I must try to video him performing.

Tonight should be my monthly writing group meeting but I very much doubt I will be there, sadly. This darn virus is really annoying. My voice still hasn't come back properly (which is no bad thing for some, I'm sure!) and I still have THE most frustrating cough. So, I couldn't read out my work and I'd cough through everyone else's. Not ideal so I think I'm probably best staying home tonight. I'm also starting to wonder what to pack for our little jaunt to Spain next week. Must email my Dad and see what the weather's like - and what they've got planned! How exciting.

Right, must go and move piles around so it looks like I've done something.....

Learning to Trust

2009-02-11T14:20:00.002Z

One day I will learn not to stress about things. There really is no point at all because, something out there in the great big universe has a handle on it all. Que sera sera, what will be will be.

For the last week or so I've been so hassled about everything workwise. I'm trying to get everything sorted ready for my PGCE application and to arrange everything I need to. Then, when I found out one of my writing contracts was coming to an end in March, I applied for a couple of part time jobs locally to help financially. After applying for them, I decided to apply for my PGCE.

The first part time job - I got a letter that the job had been withdrawn.

The second part time job - I got a phone call inviting me for interview. It was for this afternoon.

So there was my dilemma. If I got this job it would help financially, without the contract I was losing. But, it would make it very difficult to arrange the observations and experience needed for the PGCE post. I've been spending so much time worrying about it all, stressing, looking at it from every possible angle.

Then, last night, I decided enough was enough. I left it to whatever powers there may be to sort. I don't know best. Only a couple of hours later I got an email. My contract has been extended, I'm now paid until July. What a huge relief. So that's the finances sorted, now the time issue. This morning, 9:30am, I get a phone call. My interview has been cancelled, due to school budget issues. So there we go. All taken out of my hands. It's such a relief. I really should put more trust in the invisible powers around me.

Manicures and References

2009-02-10T12:54:00.002Z

I am still absolutely full of this rotten virus. It's awful and going on WAY too long. My throat feels like a swollen razor blade and every time I swallow OUCH! I'm also sick of sniffing and blowing and hacking and coughing.......you get the general picture, I'll stop wallowing in self pity now!

This morning I have been for my first ever manicure! What an experience, I loved it! I am now sporting perfectly pink nails with little diamond flowers on both ring fingers - I'm not sure they look like my hands anymore to be honest. I need to wash up, sort the animals out and clean the bathrooms and toilets but I'm not sure my hands are dressed for sure menial jobs! lol Still, not like anyone else is going to do them for me eh?

I have taken the next step along the road the post graduate education. The UCAS form is filled in, complete with the nerve wrecking personal statement. I have spoken to Manchester University this morning and worked out the details for my academic reference and so I have entered all that on there and clicked the button to request said reference! Eeeeek! Thankfully, my old tutor, Harry, is still in the department so he will be able to write it for me. He was fantastic, Harry. Looked like a real philosopher.....and paused and stroked his beard as he thought. Very authentic! I thoroughly enjoyed his lectures and tutorials and I'm delighted he is still there and will be able to be my referee.

After school today we are off to the playbarn with some friends. The children will all be able to play and we'll probably eat there too. My hard working hubby has a meeting and an options evening after school so he won't be home til around 9:30pm probably. I'll be collapsed on the sofa by then, no doubt still coughing my guts up!

Tomorrow I have an interview for a part time job, which I applied for before I'd decided to train to be a teacher. I'm in mixed mind about it now. Nothing is ever straightforward is it? I would enjoy the job, I'm sure but it makes it more complicated to get the school experience in that I need for my course. But then, say I don't get onto the course, I will really need the job! I'm trying not to stress. What will be, will be eh?

The Cat's out of the Bag

2009-02-09T13:41:00.004Z

Monday again. How did that happen then?

This is the last week before the half term break here in the UK. Which means I need it nice and quiet, not much on. Wrong. I think there's something in the diary for every day of the week. I'll hit Friday wondering where the hell the days went, no doubt.

This morning I have spent on one task. A very important one. Now it is completed it means my mind is made up, the decision made. I have applied to return to university. I'm hoping to do my PGCE and become a teacher. A religious studies teacher.

I am terrified and excited in equal amount at the moment I think. I've been busy arranging observation days in local schools and doing as much research as I can. I'll let you know how I get on.

The pesky virus has turned into a hacking cough now. I picked up some more medicine from Sainsbury's this morning so I hope that will start to help. It's worse first thing in the morning but is making for a generall run down and crabby Mummy at the moment.

Right, it's 13:45 - I've just finished the form, I've got washing done in the machine, pots soaking in the sink and I've not had anything to eat since porridge at 8am this morning. I'd best go and sort myself out!

Snowy Twittering Birdies :)

2009-02-05T11:05:00.002Z

This week has been taken over by the snow that has been falling thick and fast in many parts of the UK. To be honest, it hasn't been that heavy in North Wales but the Bean managed Monday and Tuesday off school anyway! Sadly I was struggling with a very sore throat and so didn't really feel like going out and playing. I feel like I've missed out now! We've had some more of the white stuff this morning but not enough to warrant another day off school. It does look beautiful though.

I've rediscovered Twitter the last few days as well - I've added lots of new people to follow, please do feel free to follow me if you are a fellow tweeter! Many UK tweeters are giggling about 'hedges' at the moment, it's a long old story but includes some of our most famous TV personalities - and twitter! I'm sure the whole story can be googled one way or another! lol

Yesterday I went round to my friend's house, she's a hairdresser and does a wonderful job of my locks in her kitchen! I love going to see her - I had colour put in yesterday with a cat on my knee for half the time and her 1 year old the other half! Just fantastic :)

The Wii Fit is going well, I'm loving the yoga especially and am starting to notice a real difference....not that the scales are shifting much so far! Tomorrow is weigh in day so fingers crossed.

Right, I need to make a move. I'm headed off to the salon in 15 mins or so and I don't want to be rushing in this weather. Oh, one more note, I'm SO happy I bought my bird table in October. This week we have had so many feathered visitors it's just been fantastic. I've got my rocking chair set up by the patio doors and I've spent ages just watching them fly in and out of the garden. It feels lovely to be helping them through this cold spell too. I'll try and get some photos if I can!

Keyboard confusion.

2009-02-02T16:02:00.002Z

Allow me to share with you the delights of a telephone conversation I had yesterday in work. I had just completed a travel bulletin on one of the BBC local radio stations, giving out the number that people can call if they spot any traffic problems. As is frequently the case, as soon as I'd finish the phone rang. I answered it.

Oooh, I hope you can help. Can you put me through to someone who could tell me how to get a copy of a show that was broadcast last thursday?'

'No, I can't put you through, we're in a different building, but do you have access to the internet?' I was expecting a straight 'No' here, but was surprised,
'Yes'
'OK, good. So all you need to do is to go onto the radio station website and there is a listen again function on there.'
'Oh. OK. So.....'
'All you need to do is go to www dot b b c dot co dot uk forward slash.....'
'Erm.....b b c dot....co...dot....uk......forward....just type forward?'
'No. Forward slash.'
'How do I spell it? f....o...'
'No. Forward slash. On the keyboard....the small diagonal line on the keyboard. The one leaning to the right at the top?'
By this point my colleague was doubled over in the corner of the room.
'oh.....ok, forwards slash ....'
'Yes, forward slash Liverpool. Then follow the link from there. OK?'
I'd like to say she sounded confident when she said thank you and good bye, but I'm guessing she's still trying to find a key on her computer with 'forward slash' written on it, in very small letters. I couldn't think of any other way to explain it though! Could you?

2009-02-02T12:11:00.002Z

It's an upside down, topsy turvy kind of day today.......not least because there is snow on the ground outside, we don't get much here at all but this week we have been forecast a fair bit. In all honesty I probably could have and maybe should have, taken the Bean to school but I didn't and so he is home with me today. His school is up a very steep hill and I didn't fancy driving up that in icy conditions and, since more snow is forecast this afternoon, I was worried he'd get stuck up the hill and be stuck at the bottom. So here he is.

On top of that, I started with a sore throat in work yesterday. ouch. My MIL had it last week and was off work all week with it and not it looks as if I've picked it up too. I was hoping that the broadcasting yesterday was making it worse and that when I stopped talking so much, it may ease. It hasn't. It's still impossible to talk and agony to swallow. Drinking and eating seems to help, sadly, but I'm trying to keep it healthy!

I'm about to write my WW blog for the week and I have to do some research today as well. In all honesty, all I feel like doing is relaxing with a warm drink in front of the TV. Oh well, I'll plod on.

Microphones and Takeaways

2009-02-01T10:56:00.002Z

Another Sunday sitting in front of the microphone wondering how long it will take for the 12 hours to pass........sometimes it goes quickly, others each minute can seem like an eternity. Today, well it's 11am and I'm hankering for lunch so you can make your own judgement.

I am still feeling very uncertain about my future and which road I will take. I find that most of the time this is on my mind, I'm thinking about it all the time...turning it every way, looking at it from all angles, trying to work out if it the idea fits me, or if I fit it. This is what I do. I am, at heart, a philosopher. Always have been and can't see me changing any time soon.

My hubby is now back from his school trip and it's lovely to have him home. Yesterday we drove out to Bala and had a lovely walk on Llangower beach at Llyn Tegid and also had a lovely Chinese from the takeaway there as well. Yumm. Most of it is still in the fridge.

In fact, there is a lot of very unhealthy food in the fridge as we also went for an Indian meal on Friday night and brought half that home too! I know, I know, it's no wonder I'm not losing weight but, in my defense, only the Indian was planned. We hadn't planned to go to Bala, setting off quite late on as a last minute idea, and so we wouldn't have been home in time to have something healthy chez nous! And surely a nice veggie chow mein is better than a bag of chips isn't it?

I can't believe it's only 2 weeks now til we go to visit my Dad and I am nowhere near the weight goal I set myself. I'm gutted. Up until Friday I had been really good, I've been on my Wii fit every day and stayed away from the fattening brigade - and I still hadn't lost on Friday morning. The whole thing is just very depressing at times like that. Still, I'll stick at it. Maybe a two week miracle isn't impossible!

On making decisions.....or not

2009-01-29T12:38:00.004Z

It's another one of those 'drained and overwhelmed' days, I'm afraid. I'm getting closer to the end of this contract and, so far, nothing in sight to replace it. I'm still toying with the idea of going back to university but, in all honesty, if I could find writing to replace what I am losing then I would be happiest to keep doing what I am doing.

I had a lovely chat with a friend over coffee this morning which cheered me up no end, but also reminded me of how lucky I am to not be in work every day. It's a real luxury to be able to have half an hour over a drink after the school run, and I've been lucky to be able to do it for years now. I've also been taking it forgranted and the possibility that I may not be able to do it for much longer is heavy on my shoulders.

Today, I have written three articles for VisitBritain and I'm now looking at my 'To Do' list trying to work out what to tackle next. It's this bit that I find so overwhelming. Which opportunities do I aim at first? Which is most likely to come off? And when one of my stories could be suitable for two different things, how do I decide where to send it? See, this is my problem, I've never been very good one the old decison making......I'm a ponderer......a thinker........and as such am liable to not actually get much done. Hmmmmm........ maybe I'll put the kettle on...........maybe

My Little Newton

2009-01-27T10:39:00.003Z

Yes, it's another bedtime story of the Bean. He really is a one....and a funny one at that!

Last night it was the usual story. He'd been told 'Lights Out' and so should have been quietly in bed, drifting into snoozledom. Well, all was quiet...until

BANG!!

OK, so it probably wasn't that loud, but it sounded it from downstairs. We went up to his room to find him standing up, on the floor with a piece of yellow, rubber meccano in his hand.

'What are you doing? You should be asleep!' - we were not best pleased.

'I...er...I was.....er...'

'WHAT were you doing.'

'An experiment'

'What?'

'I was doing an experiment. See if I throw this meccano over my shoulder I can't see it and it's behind me. And, my eyes don't move as quickly as the meccano, it gets faster and my eyes can't move that fast. See?'

We saw. He was recreating Newton's experiments on gravity. At 10pm. With a piece of meccano. And he's 5. Sheesh, he's got some brain - I just wish he'd let it switch off occasionally!

Anyway, we stopped shouting, applauded him for his thought processes but said there was a time and a place and this wasn't it. He climbed back in to bed.

'Night Night, now get some sleep'

'Night Night. Love you. If I threw it on Mars or on the Moon it would be different, wouldn't it? It would move slower there.'

'Yes dear. Why don't you think about that as you drift off to sleep. But no more experiments tonight.'

'OK. Night night.'

I wonder what tonight will bring.....Einstein maybe?

A Modicum of Success!

2009-01-26T10:50:00.003Z

I received an email this morning from Chat magazine who have accepted the anecdote I sent to to them with the Bean's photo last week - BIG thanks to Womag's blog for giving me the push to send them out! OK, it's not going to pay a huge amount but it's a start and to get a positive email is just fantastic - especially at 9:30am on a Monday morning!!!!

The Wii fit is going well - I think! I'm certainly enjoying it anyway, SO glad that it's finally here. I'll be writing my WeightWatchers blog this morning too, it's so good to finally feel that I'm getting somewhere. When other parts of life are uncertain it's good to feel that there is one area that I can keep control of.

There's a lot going around my head at the moment, work wise, as I try to decide whether or not to head back to University. It's a huge decision, one that is overwhelming at times. There are pros and cons to both sides but, for now, I'm just going to keep thinking it over. I've registered for more information so I'll be able to make a more informed decision soon.

On work and decisions.

2009-01-25T15:49:00.003Z

Another Sunday and so another 12 hours in work.......Today is actually going fairly quickly and I am currently reporting on the travel situations for BBC Lancashire, BBC Manchester and BBC Cumbria. Nothing is happening to report on, mind you and so it's more a list of roadworks. Still, it may be dull for me but at least it's been a safe day out on the roads of the North West.

The Bean had his second riding lesson yesterday and had a fantastic time. I really hope he continues to enjoy it. I must admit to being very envious as he climbs up into the saddle - I would love to be up there alongside him. Still, maybe one day!

I finally got my Wii Fit yesterday - WHOO! I've not had much of a go on it yet, thanks to a certain little person taking over(!) but I'm itching to have the time to play on it tomorrow. It was more than slightly depressing having to sort out the body test at the start....my Mii looked fit to burst as it expanded to fit my rather unhealthy BMI! Still, I suppose it will be nice to watch as it shrinks again!

This coming week will be full of job seeking and mind trawling as I am obsessed at the moment with what my future may hold in terms of work and career also the decisions I can make to affect it in different ways.........heady stuff! Maybe I'll share more later in the week. I'm also planning to get more writing done and sent out too. It promises to be a busy week. I hope it's also a fruitful and productive one.

I am a loser! I am a loser!

2009-01-23T17:56:00.002Z

Woohoooo!! I lost 2lbs this week! Go me!!! I'll be very excited to write this week's weightwatchers blog! It's so much fun when I'm imparting good news :)

Not a whole lot else to report really. I have dropped my two application forms in at the relevant places this morning, so we'll see if anything comes from them. One had a closing date today, the other is next Friday I think. Nothing else is coming up trumps on the work front at the mo. I'll keep on digging away and hopefully something will show up soon. It's amazing that one contract can have so much sway in so many different ways. You'll hear me dancing on the roof if I manage to replace it!

I had a lovely trip into town this morning. I quite often go in on Friday mornings. I don't meet up with anyone, just have a bit of a mooch around! I had a coffee and muffin in Starbucks (both skinny I might add!) and then headed up to the library. I ended up buying a book/garage set that I've put away for the Bean's birthday and I bought a couple of T shirts for myself that I really like too. Good trip all round!

The Bean has finished his punishment in school now, I'm hoping it doesn't happen again any time soon! We'll be making sure he gets lots of rest over the weekend to try and get him back from being run down. He's got his second riding lesson tomorrow as well! I hope Roxy the pony is ready!

Thursday's Ramblings

2009-01-22T10:58:00.002Z

There's trouble in camp! The Bean came home from school with a 'red card' yesterday. His first. Oh dear. This means he is in the bean version of 'Time Out' for some time today and tomorrow! It takes three warnings to get a red card - he managed them all in one day. I think he has learned from his actions though, I hope so! He's also full of a cough and cold. Seems really run down, poor thing. Lots of sleep and warm drinks coming up!

I'm still waiting on something, anything on the work front. I've filled in both my 'normal' job applications now so I will drop them off later on today. Still nothing back from the pieces I have subbed to the mags. One thing that has worked out though is that parts of this very blog are now going to be published in our local paper and on their website. It won't replace the work I am losing in March financially but you never know where these things can lead and so I'm not one to turn down an opportunity.

The weight loss is going well this week. It's offical weigh in day tomorrow, so I'll report back then, but I'm hoping to record a nice loss this week! hurray! My wii fit was supposed to be delivered today but instead, I received a letter saying it's delayed by a week. I'm beginning to think it's never going to get here!

Dejected and Fed Up

2009-01-21T12:39:00.004Z

I'm having one of those 'It's hard to stay positive' days. It's entirely work related as the impending loss of my biggest contract is weighing heavy on my mind. I've spent the last few days subbing lots of articles, fillers, you name it to magazines and, of course, I'm not hearing anything back. It's the silence that's hard to take. A straight rejection is, in some ways, easier. You can pick yourself up, dust your idea down and start redressing it for another market. The waiting is impossible. Every time I log into my computer I'm hoping for an email with some good news. I'm just not getting emails at all and I know, I need to be a lot more patient, but when you NEED the work it's hard going. It's bad enough when you only want it.

I have two application forms in the dining room for 'normal' jobs. I've filled one in so far. It's not that I wouldn't enjoy it. It's not that it probably wouldn't do me some good. It's not that I'm lazy and don't want to work. It's just then I won't be a working writer any more. At least not in the same way. I've been so proud to be able to make enough money doing what I love and I don't want to let that feeling go. It's hard and it's with me every hour of every day at the moment.

I'll keep plugging on, maybe some miracle will come along and I will find regular contracts to make up for the one I am losing. I'll keep you updated. Until then, I'm going to put the kettle on and have a cammomile tea.......whilst I search through the jobs online.....

I'm sure I'll soon feel more like myself again. This is the reality of freelance working. Sometimes there are not enough hours in the day to get the work done and some times there's not enough work to fill the hours in the day. It's swings and roundabouts, snakes and ladders....right now I'm looking for a ladder as I slide down a snake!

Bad Mummy

2009-01-20T11:00:00.007Z

Bad Mummy. Bad Mummy. I'm in the bad books, the Bean was VERY annoyed and upset with me when he went in to school this morning. Oh dear.

My crime?

I locked him in the car. By mistake. An accident. But he's making me pay for it. BIG time!

It was very icy by the school so I took a while getting out of the car, trying not to slip as I went. I picked up the bags, closed the door and hit the 'lock' button on the key fob, assuming the Bean was already out and standing by the door. I heard a SCREAM! He was still in the car so I unlocked it again and went round to open his door. He was in hysterics.

'You locked me in the car. It wouldn't open'

'I know', I apologised, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were already out.'

The tears were streaming down his face as we started the walk to the back door of the school building. He was still crying when we got to the front steps so I tried to make light of it, explaining that I wouldn't have gone without him - I was taking him to school. There wasn't any chance of me walking off without him now, was there. No point in me walking to the school door if he wasn't with me to drop off. Not likely I'd forget him!

As we turned the corner two of the others mums were passing by and asked what had happened, why he was crying. I explained, trying to keep a straight face. They laughed. Loudly. A lot.

The Bean stormed off.

I had a little chat with them and followed him, where he was waiting around the corner, now even more irate than he had been initially. Eventually, we got to the door. He tried walking past.

'Oi.' I said. 'In you go'. I kissed him on the cheek and he stomped off into school, almost knocking over the year 4 teacher as he did so. His class teacher was nearby so I explained to her. She laughed too. Thank goodness he didn't see that, or she would have had a very difficult day on her hands! I'm hoping he'll have forgotten it all by this afternoon!

Soggy Monday.

2009-01-19T12:25:00.004Z

This is the photo I took of the Bean on Roxy in his first lesson on Saturday morning! I thought I would share :)

It's a soggy old day today, the rain has been pouring from the sky all morning (where else would it pour from?) and it's been so dark I've needed the lights on in the house. The clouds are just starting to break up a little now so I'm hoping the wet stuff is on its way out.

I was very proud of myself this morning as, after dropping the Bean at school, I headed straight for the park and had a walk around the lake. The exercise did me good I think and I felt good afterwards. I did feel a little odd as everyone else was walking their doggies (never seen so many!) and as I passed them I could sense them looking for my four legged pooch. Really, it's legal to walk without one! Honest!

Since coming home I have sent another query off to a magazine and have searched online for more opportunities. I have also requested two application forms from the council as there are some part time teaching assistant posts going in schools not far from the bean's. One is in the morning, the other in the afternoon. One 9-12 the other 12:15-3:15. If I get them both I'll have indigestion after lunch(!) but I will apply for both as the chance of two successes is remote. I'm still hoping some wonderful writing opportunity will come up to replace the one I am losing but I think it wise to have a plan B as well.

I've just submitted this week's WeightWatchers blog, I lost one and half pounds last week so writing that was quite good fun. My Wii fit should be delievered in the next three days now - I wish it would hurry up! I only have a month now until we fly to Spain to visit my Dad and I really want to be under my next stone marker by then!

Sunday's Shenanigans

2009-01-18T14:24:00.003Z

The Bean had his first riding lesson yesterday morning! He looked the part too in his new boots and once they'd lifted him up onto his pony he looked like he'd been riding for years, bless him. I couldn't help giggling though as apparently he talked about trams the whole lesson and wanted to know all about the car tyres that make up the track in the arena! lol In fact I think they'll have to tell him to shush at some point, he rabbited his way through the whole 35 mins he was riding! Roxy the pony probably had a headache for the rest of the day!

I ordered Della Galton's book yesterday so I'm really excited about it arriving! I'm really enjoying writing at the moment, although I'm not actually coming up with anything that's going to make my any money short term, which is waht I need to do. This week I really need to get a plan together.

I've applied for one writing opportunity since hearing that my biggest contract wil be finishing in March, so fingers crossed for that. I've also had a word to see if there is any more broadcasting work around but there's nothing that's going to make enough difference to be honest. This week will be spent making plans and sending out query letters etc etc.....Wish me luck!

Also, my Wii fit should be arriving early this week! VERY exciting!

Coffee and contracts.

2009-01-16T12:32:00.002Z

What a strange day it is today, one of those that just feels.....odd. Do you have them? I dropped the Bean off at school and headed into town this morning thinking a good walk would clear my head and make me feel better. And it did, eventually, but I spent most of the morning stamping around feeling sorry for myself and trying on clothes that I didn't like or didn't fit. Anyway, by the time I got back to the car I had stomped it all out and felt better.....

.....which was when I came home and checked the email. My contract with VisitBritain is finishing in March. This is my biggest, regular contract and brings in a substantial amount of my income. My last payment is in April. There is an exciting side to it, it's the joy of being freelance, new doors, new opportunities and all that, but financially it's scary - especially with holidays booked and bills coming through the door. I have until April to figure out a way to replace the income each month.

Last night was my monthly meeting of my local writing group. I enjoy our get togethers although I frequently don't write anything to read out to the group until the afternoon of the meeting. I don't know why, I just seem to work better that way. Yesterday I wrote a short piece on an idea I had a while ago. I've always thought of it as a novel, although I'm not sure it's got the legs to go 100,000 words really. Anyway, I wrote out the first chapter and read it to the group last night. I was really pleased with the reaction it got. People said they would look forward to hearing more and seeing where I go with it! 'So will I' I replied as I actually have no idea where it's going yet but I have some interesting options!

This morning's trip into town offered another part that will fit into the story perfectly too after an encounter I had with one of the members of staff at Starbucks! Is it wrong to include someone in a book? Do I have to change details of this person? I don't want to - it would work perfectly just as it is!

Well, I'm off to look for work :( Oh and log my weight on the WW site too - I've lost this week - not much but it's better than nothing! hurray!

99 things.........

2009-01-15T12:52:00.002Z

A few of my blogland buddies have posted this list of 99 things.......I really enjoy stuff like this so feel free to copy it and put the things you have done in italics!!!! I'm not procrastinating! Really! No work to do here............

The things **I** have done are italicized.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars

3. Played in a band

4. Visited Hawaii

5. Watched a meteor shower

6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world - does Paris count?
8. Climbed a mountain -I live in Wales, no shortage of mountains!
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea--not at sea, but I've flown over one in a plane - amazing!
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch - glass painting and quilling
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill - not now I work from home though!
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon-
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice-
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run-I have in rounders does that count?
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community-
36. Taught yourself a new language- I'm still trying to learn Welsh
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied - makes me realise how materialistic I am
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater-on a trip to Australia
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia - no but I'd love to if i thought it was safe enough.
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check/cheque
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book - I'm still writing it!
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car - twice
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating - I'm veggie
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life - if you count my son's barmy behaviour!
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club - does a writing group count
93. Lost a loved one - my mum
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Happy Birthday to my mummy.

2009-01-13T12:20:00.003Z

Today would have been Mum's birthday, she would have been 58. It's a strange day although it does get easier each year. I suppose what makes it hard is that there is nowhere else to redirect the energy to. On my birthday I have my family around me so there's lots going on. At Christmas, although I miss her, I focus my attention on my husband and son. I can displace the thoughts and the grief. On Mum's birthday, there is nowhere else to go. Nothing of which to think to redirect the day. It's Mum's birthday but she's not here. It's her birthday but she's dead. It's the day she took her first breath but she no longer breathes. It's hard to comprehend.

I'm meeting friends for a coffee in town in a little while. I hope that will keep me occupied. Sometimes I'm so glad for the distraction and it helps to be out there, in reality. Other times I sit there, outside the conversation and wish I was at home. Just talking, thinking even, can seem like hard work. I hope today will not be one of those days.

This evening we are going for a family meal to celebrate the day. Just SLA, the bean and me. I know Mum will be there with us, somehow.
I know she is here, somehow.
I know she can hear me, somehow when I say 'Happy Birthday Mummy. I love you.'

On procrastination and pride.

2009-01-12T13:03:00.003Z

Don't mind me. I'm feeling sorry for myself. Probably to do with the date tomorrow and all things hormonal but it feels bleurgh! I've not got a single piece of work out so far yet this year which is SO not what I had planned in my resolutions! I must, this week, somehow get a real handle on my work and make plans for what I am going to do with it. Feel free to make me stick to that, someone, procrastination is one of my favourite hobbies!

The Bean came home on friday with another certificate from school - yup, welsh speaker of the week - again! I'm so proud of the little chap. He also brought home two pieces he has to learn for this year's Urdd Eisteddfod. One is the solo recitation for under 8's the the other is a solo song for under 8's. Bless him. I don't think he's worked out yet that he's going to have to perform them on his own. Oh dear. It's bizarre, this time last year it wouldn't have phased him for a minute whereas now I think we may have some issues with it. I really hope he can find the confidence to give it a really good shot. He could be incredible at them both. Fingers crossed x

We have now managed to book flights for Feb to visit my Dad, only for two nights rather than the four we originally planned but it will be lovely to see him. We're staying with them too so it will certainly be an experience! Dog, cat, bean, bird.........interesting combination!

Right, I'm going to get something done. I'll look through my archives and dig out old articles first and have a scour through my 2009 yearbook and look for homes for them. Ideally ones that I can send an email enquiry to, I think I'm out of stamps and I daren't put it off any longer!

Of Night Time Rejections and Costly Flights

2009-01-09T11:06:00.003Z

The strangest thing happened last night - I received a rejection. Nothing much strange about that. Except that it was by email and at 10:10pm! Bizarre! It was from the fiction editor at 'Weekly News'. The email was lovely though and so I'll certainly keep them in mind and send some more stuff their way and of course I'll start rejigging the story to submit elsewhere too.

It's looking less and less likely that we will get to Spain to visit my Dad in Feb. Don't you just hate planning short breaks on a budget? I had spotted some great priced flights a few weeks ago but couldn't book anything until I was paid some money I was owed. Now the flights have gone up considerably and once you add in all the bits and pieces it ends up costing an absolute fortune. As I say, it's not looking hopeful at the moment which is a shame but it's just the way the cookie crumbles I suppose.

Today I'm having a quiet day at home, again. I've stayed home all week so far just trying to get back into the routine and sorting the house out a bit. Next week I must make an effort to head into town and experience a bit of reality! lol The walk will do me good too - who knows the scales may go in the right direction! lol I'm about to write this week's blog for weightwatchers without a loss to report - again. They'll be surprised when I actually lose something don't you think?

Loneliness

2009-01-08T14:01:00.003Z

There's no getting around it, being a full time writer can be a lonely old existence. Don't get me wrong - I wouldn't want to do anything else or be anywhere else but there are times that I really do feel isolated. I think it is pronounced after a holiday, especially Christmas, when everything is so busy, there's lots of visiting taking place and the house has seen many days full of people, of fun and of laughter. Now there is just me and the tip tap of my laptop keys. Tip. Tap. Tip. Tap.

I think most people who love to write do have a certain amount of 'loner' or 'hermit' built in. You have to have probably to be able to sit alone and pour the words onto the page, however, I also find that I struggle to find people who I really connect with around me. I don't mean my family, but, the more I write, the more I find it difficult to really strike up a connection with acquaintances and that can be a very sobering experience.

Maybe it is because I am a fairly introverted person, I don't think I used to be so much but now I find that I stand back from a crowd where I once would have walked up and joined in. In talking, it is hard to explain what I do. For some reason, 'writing' doesn't endear you to someone. Maybe it's just unusual and they don't know what to say next. Maybe they have some idea I'm going to use them in a book....I don't know...but it doesn't fit the mould and so I forever feel on the sidelines, looking in on the others and their friendly chit chat. And the more that happens, the harder it is to break the cycle.

Spending so much time online as a writer you do make friends on the internet. This blog is one very good example! Over the years I have made some very good friends online, many of them from parts of the world I have never visited and maybe never will. I have some great people to chat too and yet, as happened only last week, it only takes one discovery to break down a friendship like this, to find out that one of these people just isn't who you thought they were. The facade is broken, the mirror smashed as the persona you had created for this person is blown out of the water and the person is seen for who they really are. Nothing has really changed, it's just a fact that it's very hard to really get to know anyone over the internet. And when the reality is shown to be different from what you had created and believed in your mind, that can hurt. And this then leads to questionning your ideas about other people.....I could drive myself mad. I should stop.

Loneliness comes in many guises and it can creep up on without you really noticing it is there. That's what's happened this week. It's not helped by the fact it would have been my mum's birthday next week. I'll figure it out, maybe I'll have to walk on up to a group instead of standing back. Who knows? I don't.

This is fantastic!

2009-01-07T10:49:00.001Z

Isn't it strange how you come across little things sometimes that can have the most amazingly positive effect on you!!!

I was working on my weightloss blog, which you can visit by clicking here and I was looking for some way of tracking my progress when I stumbled upon a 'model'. It's a graphic image for which you can enter your starting, current and goal weights. It's a real good visual tool and rather amusing too. If you click on the 'start' and 'goal' the image changes. So that's what I'll look like when I reach my goal!!! Well, kind of anyway!

If you're walking along the road to a healthier, slimmer future then I'd love your company along the way! Feel free to stop by and let me know how you're getting on

Tuesday's Titterings

2009-01-06T10:47:00.002Z

It's so quiet.......listen to that........nothing. At all. Yup, the Bean and SLA are both now back in school meaning I have the house to myself......and the job of taking all the Christmas decs down today too. I was dreading taking the Bean this morning. I always find the first day of term hard, I miss the little chap after having home for 2 weeks. As it happened though it was so icy this morning that I was preoccupied anyway and didn't find it as difficult as usual.

I have now put on a humungous 5.4lbs which is verging on both the disgusting and the ridiculous and so this morning I have really climbed back onto the wagon. I've logged back into my WW online site and have tracked breakfast onto my log. From now on I'm aiming to track everything again. I really want to feel a whole lot better in a week's time. I've also started a new blog on here that I'm going to use specifically for all things WW related, in addition to my blog on the WW UK site too. I hope it will help keep me focused. Wish me luck!

I don't think I'll be getting much done in the way of writing today, or this week to be honest. I'm going to take a few days to get the house straight and sorted and to get my head back into some kind of normal mode.

Right, time to hop to it. First job, get the tree down........tinsel here I come!

Giggles and decorations.

2009-01-05T14:13:00.002Z

The sun has got his hat on..........but it's still bloody cold! The Bean and I ventured out to the bank this morning and it is just lovely out there - but you do need to wrap up!

Last night he gave me quite a chuckle. He'd gone up to bed and I'd already asked for lights out and sleep time and yet I kept hearing little noises from the bedroom....actually, scrub that, they weren't so little. More like bangs really! I left it a while, he may have got up for the loo or something so I didn't say anything. The bangs kept coming and it was almost 10pm by this point. Eventually, I opened the lounge door a little and called up the stairs,

'Hey Mister, what are you doing?'

The reply came back - too quickly and much too energetically,

'Sleeping!'
'Well, can you sleep a little more quietly?'
'OK'

And that was that. lol

He's back in school tomorrow so I'll have to get him bathed and in bed much earlier. That's one thing I love about school holidays the flexibility, the not having to watch the clock all the time. Oh well, it's been fun. But tonight the decorations come down and the house will feel cavernous for all of a day or so. Tomorrow, I start cleaning up. I never get a thing done when everyone's home.

Of doors and Opportunities

2009-01-04T11:41:00.002Z

I hadn't realised how long it is since I last blogged! Ooops! I must admit to having fallen off the wagon in many ways over the last few weeks....the blog wagon, the WeightWatchers Wagon, the tidy house wagon....almost every wagon I had climbed aboard. Still, as we are now into the New Year I am slowly beginning the climb back up and hoping I've not lost too much ground!

It is with mixed feelings that I start 2009. I always love the New Year, I embrace the new start that it offers and new opportunities that it will undoubtably bring. I face it with hope, optimism and excitement. However, in the current financial climate I can't help but feel just slightly tinged with anxiety and worry. I found out a day or so ago that one of my major contracts has finished its contracts with some other writers and this is certainly preying on my mind. It has been a big help, both financially and professionally and I would certainly be sad to see it end. I am hoping that this will not be the case, at least not in the short term, but as I say, it is certainly on my mind at the moment.

Having said that, even if one door does close there are still many there to be knocked upon, many of which will open. I may not like what I find in some, I may not feel at home. Maybe I will learn to love these strange, challenging, new places and behind some doors I may find places that are instantly homely and comforting. One thing is for sure, a New Year brings new chances to find new places and new people and, as a freelance writer, that is an essential part of any possible success.

On the family front, all is well. The Bean and SLA are both fine and ready to head back to their respective schools. Christmas and the New Year went well, although very quickly and it's hard to believe that tomorrow we will take the decorations down again, it feels like we only just put them up!

I'm planning to blog more regularly again now and I can't wait to share 2009 with you :)

Christmas Moments

2008-12-28T14:54:00.002Z

That'll be another Christmas done and dusted then!

And what a lovely one it has been. Christmas Day we spent at home, just the three of us and the day just shot by. The Bean was overjoyed by his presents and the Wii was a fantastic hit with all the family! I spent much of the afternoon in the kitchen preparing the feast. I started off feeling slightly nervous but after sipping a glass of rose as I went it didn't seem to matter so much any more! lol Obviously gone are the days when I could hold my drink! One glass and I was rather wibbly I'm ashamed to say!

On Boxing Day my in laws came round and so I created another feast - they love my special jacket potatoes so I made those along with other snacks and platters......I had a little moment at one point when I wondered how I got to that point! It seems like mere weeks ago that I was the one in the front room surrounded by relatives whilst the grown ups beavered away in the kitchen and yet, there I was. In charge of this meal, alone whilst my husband, his parents and my son played and talked in the other room. I'll remember that moment for a long time, it was special.

Yesterday saw more visiting (and eating) and today I'm back in work. I somehow need to break the cycle of endless eating (I've already gained 3lbs!) and get back to some form of normality! Thing is, I can't see it happening this week as the schools are still off and so both the Bean and SLA are home all week!

This morning though I did book our Summer holiday - so that's my new aim! I will be slim and svelte by August......now I just need to find a shop with a wii fit in stock to help me get there........

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-23T18:06:00.002Z

Just a quick note to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and all best wishes for a happy, healthy and peaceful 2009.

Preparations are going well for the big day here, I think. My Dad is over from Spain so I'm seeing him tomorrow - it's been 6 months so it will be lovely. Everything is wrapped and ready so bring it on!

Can't wait to hear about everyone's festive adventures - lots of love and peace to you all

Blog Wordle

2008-12-21T14:42:00.001Z

Thanks to Womag for finding Wordle - what fun!!! Being in work today and having no writing with me I resorted to Wordling my blog! I love it! What do you think??

http://www.wordle.net/gallery/wrdl/402139/Blog

Not as I planned it......

2008-12-18T20:19:00.003Z

It's hard to be postive today as a lot of itty bitty things are bringing me down. Not least was the email I received last night stating that a substantial payment I was expecting yesterday is now not going to arrive until the second week of January. It's put a spanner in the festive works as you can no doubt imagine. On top of that I have a second invoice in that I am awaiting payment for, with no official date agreed other than it should be before Christmas and so the finances are certainly weighing on my mind as you can imagine.

Add to that my poor SLA has more tooth troubles. He has pain on both sides of his mouth now - in different places from when the previous work was done. He's back at the dentist for ANOTHER emergency appointment tomorrow - I really hope they can sort him out so that he's not in pain over Christmas, he's just not himself at the moment at all.

The Bean is very grouchy and tired most of the time - last day of school tomorrow so I'm hoping he'll pick up a bit then and get a bit excited instead of just moaning all the time! One positive though is that he has really taken to the film of 'The Polar Express' this year. Last year he was petrified of it for some reason but this week I think we've watched it every night. It's really captured his imagination.

So, tomorrow is my last day home alone til the 6th January next year. I'm planning on heading into town for a quiet coffee somewhere, having a walk to clear the cobwebs away and then pottering around the house until it's time to pick the Bean up. After that we're off to the Christmas Party at our local play barn which had a lovely atmosphere last year - maybe it will get us all in the party mood :o)

Two Points

2008-12-17T23:24:00.002Z

AARRGGHHH!!!

Only a short post with two points:

1) Never smile at yourself in the mirror - the wrinkles are downright scary!

2) As a freelance writer, never NEVER rely on being paid on a given date. I made this mistake and am now having to cobble together plan B. Not really anyone's fault, just the way it works - or doesn't! Not ideal the week before Christmas though....

OK, grumbling over...... on to more positive thoughts tomorrow!

The Honest Scrap Award!

2008-12-16T21:25:00.004Z

Oooh - another award!! This is the Honest Scrap Award that has been given to me by Sunshine!! Thank you!! Scrap means left over, fragments, discarded material. Many times truth and honesty are discarded material, considered fragments and left over. People like us need to tell it like it is, and let the scraps fall where they will. There are 2 guidelines for receiving this award. One, you are to list 10 honest things about yourself. Make them interesting, even if you have to dig deep. Two, present the award to 7 other bloggers.

1. I'm nowhere near as patient as I used to be (or thought I was!)

2. I love Christmas but it makes me cry.....always has. Brass bands and carols lead to tears.

3. I can play saxophone, violin, oboe, guitar and tenor horn - some better than others!

4. I used to play table tennis and was ranked number 33 in England at one point.

5. My degree is in Philosophy and Politics

6. My cat, Tiger, taught me my first word - Miaow!

7. I am vegetarian and have been for 21 years.

8. My favourite colours are orange and purple

9. I spend too much time on facebook!

10. I'm not good at housework and procrastinate too much!

OK, I'm supposed to pass this on to 7 other bloggers. Here are my nominations although I know not everyone likes these things so feel free not to do it if you'd rather not!!!

1. Debs in her shed :o)

2. Tiffiney

3. Hill

4. Jan Jones

5. Suzie at My Digital Desk

6. Emily

7. Pat at Write Up the Hill

Presents, presents and more presents......

2008-12-16T14:23:00.003Z

Unbelieveably, I have just spent two hours wrapping presents.....and I still haven't finished! I even have some things for the Bean that I think I may put to one side for his birthday in March!

Things are fairly quiet on the writing front this week, so far at least. I've been doing some work for a client on his new product - you can check it out at www.Tronme.com - but other than that I've had plenty of time to get into the festive spirit! In the New Year I'm really going to push more on the fiction side of things, short stories especially. I have lots of ideas but so far never seem to find the time to get them on paper. Hopefully, that is going to change!

Tomorrow I'm meeting a friend at Starbucks in the morning and then it will be back for more wrapping! I'm hoping to have a good walk around the town centre though, not only is it good exercise but the decorations look fantastic - there's such a special atmosphere about this time of year. I always seem to come back from my walks with more energy than I left with and heaps of enthusiasm for everything - that can only be a good thing!

Last night was lovely as we sat down together and watched The Polar Express. I love that film - so magical........and I can hear the bells, can you? :o)

Fun and food....

2008-12-14T11:09:00.002Z

I had a lovely evening on Thursday as it was the annual Christmas meeting for my local writing group. Every other month we meet after hours at the library but, in December, we are all invited along to one of the member's houses. We all take along something to eat and it's always a very enjoyable evening!

This year there were about twelve of us. We all gather in the living room and go around the circle with a reading. Some people choose to bring a festive piece, some they have written themselves, others bring a favourite piece by another author. Not all the readings were festive this year but it was a lovely mix. Many of the readings were funny - I was particularly impressed with Rosa's thoughts on old age and by Val's Christmas song parodies - last year's 12 Days of Christmas shopping was just hilarious and so we had an encore this year too!! I can't remember all the days but the first day of Christmas was 'Buy one get one free'....the second...'free delivery', the 3rd 'Great Mega Deals' and the 5th 'When it's gone it's gone!' - you get the general idea!

I wrote on the same subject as last year - the Bean's school Christmas play. It was a very different experience from last year, not least because it was in a different language! I must type up what I wrote (in long hand in my notebook) and maybe I'll share it on here too :)

After the readings we had a feast of food - we always have too much! And Dafydd's wife's cheesecake was a particular highlight for me! Mmmmmmm

So that was Thursday evening, Friday I went up to Oldham to see my Godmother and do the first present exchange of the year - we had a lovely lunch too....and then I came down with some bug or other. Thankfully I'm feeling much better today, it's a pity I'm in work all day really!

This week I need to get everything wrapped and sorted.....would be an added bonus to get the house a bit tidier too! The Bean has a busy week in school and I can't believe it's only 11 days to go!! Wowsers!

More illness.... :(

2008-12-13T12:55:00.002Z

You wouldn't think you could catch the lurgy via blog would you? But so many people seem to be coming down with the dreaded illness and now I'm feeling under the weather too :( I'll take it easy this coming week and up the hot drinks and Vit C in a bid to be back in tip top condition for Xmas.

Today I'm off out to take some photos to illustrate some articles for VisitBritain. Yesterday I submitted Blog 12 for the Weightwatchers UK site - it's still a bit behind but is catching up quickly and I've done a bit of work for a client this morning too. It all adds up :)

Anyway, I'm off to put the kettle on..........xx

Relaxed and Happy :o)

2008-12-10T20:53:00.002Z

I'm having a really lovely week so far and a very relaxing run up to the Christmas holidays..... I managed to finish off the Christmas shopping last week, other than food shopping obviously and so it's really taken the hassle out of the next couple of weeks.

Monday saw the Bean's Christmas play in school which was lovely. A friend came with me to the afternoon performance and then SLA and his mum came along for the evening show. The Bean sang beautifully and said his one line perfectly, bless him. The show was his year and the year above so the older children had the bigger parts which they made a fantastic job of. Of course, this being a Welsh medium school the whole production was in Welsh, it sounded beautiful. Well done to them all!

The Bean was quite relieved when it was all over....he's going through a very odd phase and is very self concious of people he doesn't knwo looking at him! I know! Bizarre! He's never been like this before and last Xmas he had the star part in his school play....and the 20 or so lines to go with it. He loved it then. Not so much at the moment though, sadly. I'm sure he'll come through it quickly enough. He was OK with the school play after I explained that the audience would just be the other children's parents, grandparents etc and would be looking at their child - not him. That was fine. Then, yesterday, a letter came home saying that his year and another would be going carol singing at a local church later this week. I read the letter out loud in the car - he cried. Really cried - they might look at him! I wracked my brains trying to calm him again......and we were just getting somewhere when I read the letter again...Oh, they are going to two places carol singing - on the same day! You can imagine the hysterics that caused! I'm sure he'll be fine on the day, he'll be with his friends and that makes a big difference. I may just have a word with his teacher though - prewarned is prearmed and all that!

Tonight we have been working on some of the presents for my dad and my step mum. The Bean has drawn a portrait of them which I have framed...... you should see it. Maybe I should scan it in! lol We did the same a week or so back for SLA's mum and dad. That one turned out really well, they'll love it. It looks great. Tonight's work of art.....I'm not so sure! Honestly, my Dad has a head the size of a pea and my step mum looks like someone's stretched her on a rack and then left her out to dry......and the dog is in the corner... The overall effect is one of some kind of psychodelic, hippy sixties vibe....... I'm feeling I may get them something else to make up for it! LOL

Tomorrow I'm planning on getting more wrapping done, I may well need more paper so that's a good enough excuse to pop into town for a coffee maybe! Tomorrow night it's my writing group's Xmas get together. I've only been to one meeting since Sept which is a real shame, it's just the way things have worked out. I'm hoping to get there tomorrow night, last year we had a lovely time. We all go to the house of one of the group members and we all take something to eat. We all then do a festive reading of some kind (which reminds me I haven't written anything yet....) and then we stuff our faces! Yummy! It will be nice to see everyone.

Right, time to write something festive then eh?!

Rain Rain, Come Again!

2008-12-05T10:38:00.003Z

Another day, another rain shower........or at least that's how it seems! I love these heavy showers though, you know the kind that make you switch the lights on inside, even if it's the morning? It feels so cosy. So I'm sitting here, on my laptop with the Xmas tree lit up in the corner, the Aussie soaps on the telly, a big cup of tea on the table and the rain pouring down from a dark sky outside, battering the window as it falls. Lovely way to spend a morning!

I'm over the moon with the diet news this week, I've lost 2.6lbs! YAY! I don't really know how, I suppose I've been a bit more active and I've cut bread out of my diet again, pretty much anyway. It certainly seems to have done the trick.

I've had a bit of an up and down morning, emotionally speaking. A Christmas card dropped through the door which I opened. It was from my Step Dad, my mum's husband for 5 years until she died. It was a simple card just said: All good? Like the photos. Love Tony. That's it. And it's all I would expect it to say, he's a man of few words but it's just such a stark contrast to the novel of a card that Mum would have chosen and signed from the two of them. It's little things like that just bring it all back again. Grief can be such an isolating experience too - I suppose it's because everyone has different relationships. No one knows how I feel about my mum and about the love we shared, because no one else was there with us. Don't get me wrong there are no shortage of people I can go to - shoulders to cry on, ears open to listen, my hubby being the main one of course. But I'm also aware that he has his own grief to deal with for my mum and also for his Nan this year too. Grief is like riding a wave - it has it's ups and downs and then contain more emotions than you think it is possible to feel, but you do just have to ride it......problem is no two waves are the same and so no two people feel the same emotions at the same time, no matter how close they are......it's harder than I ever imagined it could or would be....but on a brighter note, preparations for Christmas this year are going well and I'm finding it a whole lot easier to cope in general - good news! Hurray!

Right, that's the aussie soaps done, the sun is starting to peep around the curtain of cloud and I've drunk my tea.......I can't put those Xmas cards off any longer.........they need to be written!

Quick catch up

2008-12-03T13:53:00.003Z

I seem to have lost the ability to blog!! Don't know where the days are going.....

I've been doing some writing, mainly for one regular client, but not much else as I've been taken over by all things Christmas! The decs are up and most of the presents are bought! Hurray! I haven't started the heinous job of wrapping anything yet and I've not written a single card either....the plan is to break the back of that job by the weekend.

The Bean decided last week that all he wants for Xmas is a £3 car from Sainsburys - comes with a screwdriver and in bits to put together. Had I got him one? No. Did they have any when I went to look? No. Has he asked both Santas he's seen so far for it? Yes, in fact that's all he's asked for! Thank goodness they had one on Monday so it's safely upstairs now....along with all the other far more expensive stuff that he now doesn't want.....typical! Good job I want the Wii then isn't it?! lol

Oh and I have now finished Christina Jones' latest book, Happy Birthday - I LOVED it!!! Highly recommend it for anyone's Xmas stocking!

Bwahahahaha!! Love it!

2008-11-28T11:24:00.001Z

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Diet blogs, brothers and bloody Christmas!!

2008-11-27T12:21:00.003Z

Stop the Press! My Weight Watchers Blog has gone live today!! Whoooo! Here's a link for anyone who wants to have a gander - clicketh hereth! Hurrah!

Not an awful lot to report really, so I won't ramble on with an entrance for the most boring blog in the world competition! The wabbit has so far not attempted another escape act, or if he has, he hasn't succeeded! He's settled in well and loves to jump around the garden when the sun's out.

The Bean is fine, Sion Corn (Welsh name for Father Christmas) is coming to visit school tomorrow so he's getting more excited by the day! I've already done his Xmas shopping so I hope to God he doesn't ask for something he's not getting! Every day he seems to come home clutching another piece of papaer asking for more money....raffle tickets, non-uniform day, visits to Sion Corn, trips to the theatre to see the panto.....it goes on and on!

SLA is finally seeming better on the tooth front - next weeks sees the root canal so let's hope that goes well and puts an end to the last few months of agony, poor chappy.

Oooh good news from my little brother too, not that he's very little anymore...he's just auditioned for We Will Rock You, the stage show and has another recall in two weeks! YAY! Go bro!!! Will keep you posted on how he gets on :o)

Right, I'm cold so I'm off to have some lunch.....veg soup, I need to keep the points down now that blog is up there for all to see!!! Someone remind me why I did this again??!!! lol

2008-11-24T17:06:00.003Z

I've been busy, busy, busy today.....too much to do and not enough time to do it!

I thought I was off to a good start setting the alarm clock a whole half hour earlier - it should have been plain sailing! Things started to go pear shaped as soon as we got downstairs and SLA headed out to the garage to bring our guinea pig (Johann) and our new wabbit(Redding) back into the garden. It was a cold night last night so we left them in the garage for a bit of warmth......SLA is such a sweet, soft hearted chappy, he left music on for them until we went to bed and then left a battery powered light up ghost for them in case it was too dark...bless. Anyway, by this morning, all hell had broken loose - the wabbit had escaped! The shop had warned us he's a bit of an escape artist but this was his first houdini job since we got him home. He was easy enough to catch, big white furball that he is, but by the time I'd rounded him up, got him back, refilled the food bowl etc etc I was back to my usual late running........

Anyway, after dropping the Bean off at school I came home and got some work done for one of my clients and then submitted my week 9 blog for Weightwatchers. Apparently it will go live from tomorrow!!! Fingers crossed!

I headed out and braved the supermarket - why do they get SO much busier on the run up to Christmas? Do most of these people not normally eat? I don't get it.....then came home, had lunch, did some more work, picked the bean up and so it goes on....and on....and on!

Hopefully, tomorrow will be spent in a more relaxed and chilled fashion......hmmm, who am I kidding? Something's bound to scupper that plan!

Blogging, books and bad teeth

2008-11-22T21:50:00.003Z

Wow, is it really so long since I last blogged?? I'm terrible! Apologies for the break in service, but believe me you haven't really missed much!

My poor SLA has been off work again, with his teeth, again.....this has been going on since July one way and another and he's really struggled. Anyway, one tooth less and one root canal to go I think he's turned a corner and is really starting to feel more like himself again. The whole experience has underlined my dislike all things dental and I will still avoid going at all costs, although I was delighted to hear they can administer sedation at the surgery in case I did need any work doing.....a useful last resort!

I had the delight of starting a new book last night, Christina Jones' new novel 'Happy Birthday' - so far I'm up to chapter five and I'm loving it!!! Can't wait to read more in bed tonight. Thing is I have to be in work for 6am for a broadcasting shift tomorrow so I'll have to be strict and put the book down instead of staying up reading for hours! If you haven't checked out Christina's blog then you should - always gives me a giggle

The weightwatchers blog still hasn't appeared on the site, even though I'm about to submit week nine's installment! Having said that, it seems to be down for maintenance tonight so maybe they're updating it....very uselful timing as it means I really can't track the Indian meal I had tonight. Shame that.

On the writing front, I'm still editing a couple of stories for one of the weeklies. One is ready to go, the other a bit on the short side so I'm going to beef that up early this coming week. I've just sent a query off to another magazine, one of the women's monthlies with an article and I've been working with a client who is setting up a wedding planning site and writing the web content for her and working with a long term client writing text for his interactive music site. It's busy, busy, busy and I'm a bit behind on my VisitBritain work this month and need to get 6 articles submitted onto the site this week! Wish me luck!

Anyway, best finish up so that I can go and read my book before it's time for sleep! Thanks Christina :o)

Writing, eating and a lack of routine!

2008-11-14T10:24:00.003Z

What a crazy week! I've not managed to blog since Monday......

The bean didn't go back to school until Weds after his tummy bug. He still looks run down, I hate it when he's not at 100%. I hope he can get himself built back up to normal soon. Poor thing. He's gone to school in non uniform today as part of the BBC Children In Need Appeal. He's also taken some money for the Bring and Buy toy sale, I dread to think what he'll come home with. He's a sensitive little chap and quite often picks up the dirtiest and ugliest things because they 'look' at him. I do know that feeling but he even struggles at throwing things away such as broken clothes and toys.....poor mite. The contents of his school bag will be .....interesting this afternoon!

Anyway, SLA is now home from school ill. He felt bad on Wed night and went to the Dr yesterday - sinusitis so he's back on more antibiotics. Today he has to go back to the dentist again and hopefull, FINALLY have the tooth out that's been causing him problems for months now. I really hope he can start to put it all behind him from his appointment today.

With the extra bodies at home I've not got much writing done at all. I've all but given up on NaNo. I've not added to my manuscript for days now so I'm never going to hit the 50,000 mark by the end of the month. I will keep at it bit by bit though, just as a longer term project. I'm just brushing up a couple of stories to send to one of the weeky mags -so I hope they may get somewhere. Keep your fingers crossed for me!!!!

WeightWatchers update I've lost 1.2 lbs this week. I thought it was more, but I'd forgotten how much I weighed last week....I know, I know. I'm useless! Anyway, it's a loss and I've just submitted my blog. Still no sign of it up on the site, I'll let you know when it appears!

Help!!

2008-11-10T21:43:00.002Z

I'm currently on 8286 in my NaNo word count but I'm getting myself into some real plot holes!!! Any suggestions gratefully received!! For example:

The ex of my main character has been spotter creeping up towards her front door with a mysterious white envelope that looks a bit like a card. He pauses for a second before turning around and getting back in his car and driving away. The neighbour sees him......but what was in the white envelope??? I have absolutely no idea! lol What would you put in it????? lol I should have thought about this first maybe??!! hehehehe

Tummy Bugs and Word Counts

2008-11-10T08:57:00.002Z

I think I'd better blog quickly now, while it's quiet!

My little boy has succumbed to a tummy bug and so is home from school today. It's 9am now and he's still fast asleep so I hope that the rest will do him the world of good. He was only up twice in the night, he's coping really well, but it will be a day without food for him today as his little tummy needs a rest. He's been looking a pit pale since Friday night really so I'm glad he's getting rid of it now.

I've just read the lastest NaNo email - apparently the aim is to be at 15000 words by the end of play today.....not very likely I don't think! I'm not quite at 7000 yet. Oh dear. Oh well, I'll try to do some more later, depending on how the day goes.

I was supposed to be taking my MIL out shopping today, but I've had to phone and cancel and we were meant to be having lunch out too....hence there is nothing in the fridge to eat....lunch will be another bowl of cereal me thinks! lol

Right, I'm going to creep around a bit more and try not to wake the little man. Bless.

Sunday's here again

2008-11-09T11:35:00.002Z

We've had a lovely weekend, especially with it being SLA's birthday. It's actually today, but as I'm in work all day we celebrated yesterday. He was like a child opening his pressies yesterday which was lovely then we went out shopping for him to spend some vouchers he had received and then we had a lovely Indian meal last night. Just perfect. Except for the onions. I NEVER want to see another onion! I don't know what I was thinking of but I opted for onions in every course and spent all last night and most of this morning in absolute agony! I'm still not right! No more onions!

I've not got any further on NaNo, I'm seeing the 50,000 target slipping away from me to be honest. Although I did write over 1000 words in 25 mins on Friday night so I suppose if I was strict with myself I could just about catch up if I put the hours in. Thing is, there is just so much other stuff going on as well. I know I'm taking my MIL out to look for new curtains tomorrow and I'm meeting a couple of friends on Weds morning too to try out the new Starbucks that has opened in town......the house still looks like a tip and I'm wanting to really get it sorted in the next few weeks before the Xmas decs go up. I hate it to be cluttered before we even start!

Right, I'm off to do another broadcast now and to keep browsing the menu of a healthy food place I spotted just up the road. I'm spoilt for choice! I normally head to Subway for a salad but the thought of the onions just puts me off. I know I could just miss them out but I think I fancy a change :o)

Phone calls and parents' evenings.

2008-11-07T11:05:00.004Z

I survived parents' evening! Whoo! Actually they seem to like the little rugrat which is fantastic. We've gone from school to school of people who did nothing but criticise so to find a school that actually recognise what he has to offer is just so wonderful and reassuring!

I had to make a very important phone call this morning to speak to a publisher about a possible book. I've not written a book before, let along a factual reference type on, so you can imagine how petrified I was! Anyway, he was human, which helped immensely! I'll know the outcome in the next couple of weeks so I'll be sure to let you know how I get on.

Tomorrow we are celebrating SLA's birthday. It's actually on Sunday but as I'm in work on Sunday we are pretending it's tomorrow! I have lots to wrap for him later on today, cards to write etc etc I hope he has a truly special day :)

I'm off now to write my weekly blog for WeightWatchers.....it's not going well, actually, maybe that's harsh, it's just not going quickly. I've always been like this when some people can easily lost 2 or more pounds a week I faff around with half on and half off. It drives me crazy. This week I've only managed to lose 0.2lb....I may as well not have bothered! Here's to a better loss next week....now how to write that in 500 words to submit! Hmmmm.....