Wednesday, 10 October 2012

Ups and Downs

Time for another update and I am told by everyone around me that I am doing well. So I suppose I must be. It's really hard to see from within that I am moving forward sometimes but my therapist, my friends and family can see the changes a little more easily than I can. Apparently, I should be proud of myself and I am but on the bad days there seems so far still to go.

The main difference I can notice in my mood is that when I get good days or even a good part of a day, I feel far more positive and carefree than I can remember for a long long time. I love those days. And they are what keep me going on the not so good days. I could take on the works when I feel like that. My smiles are real, not forced and light me up from my heart outwards. It feels amazing. Just fantastic. I had a whole two and a half days like this last week. It was the best two and a half days. I just kept on going. Full of energy. Full of positivity. And then the walls collapse and its like the light goes out. That's the best way I can describe it. Like I run out of power. Someone or something switches the power off. It's that quick. Or like a car running out of petrol and grinding to a halt. It makes me feel so helpless and so at the mercy of my emotions although I try hard to hold on to the good memories and just accept that my head needs some space to heal at the moment. One day I hope I will always have the good days and not the bad.

On the bad days I still feel very low in mood. I feel very emotional and I feel drained, overwhelmed and panicky. The flashbacks come flooding back and I cry a lot. Having said all that, it seems these days where I get the breakthroughs. Little sparks or memories that suddenly link things together so that they make sense. Almost like little Eureka moments. It is these moments that will, essentially, heal me and so while this dark place certainly is no fun I know, deep down that it means my therapy is working and that my head is doing a lot of hard work to heal me.

Therapy itself is still going well I think. I really do have to leave my rational self at the door sometimes. Since my trauma took place when I as a child that is where I have to heal from so we work a lot with the inner child. Crayons, toys name it....and it would be easy to be self conscious and feel stupid, it's not for everyone, but I can feel it working and I look forward to my sessions more than I dread them so i will keep on at it.

It's the two extremes really. Really up. And really down. And flying between the two is tiring in itself. On my good days I am starting to feel ready to get back to work, slowly and steadily. Ad then I have days when I can barely get out of bed which makes it seem that I am a long way from being able to return. But baby steps and I will get there.