Friday, 22 January 2010

So far, so good....

I'm managing to keep my more positive frame of mind, for now at least, which is great. It's a big help as I actually now feel I can cope with whatever the next few months may bring my way. I know the counselling I am going to undergo is going to be intense, but I also know it's the right thing to do and that I WILL get through....a few days ago I wasn't even sure I had the strength to start. I am still getting flashbacks and nightmares but I'm managing them better, maybe I'm getting sadly used to them, who knows, but the space I have at the moment is really helping me to feel I have the room to react however I feel I need to. It's invaluable. I'm back at the Dr on Tues so we'll see what happens there. I have a feeling another week off will make all the difference now I'm just starting to feel better, but I'll take her advice.

We're on the brink of another weekend, of course, and we have nothing planned at all! Bliss. I think tonight we may go for a meal of some description, don't know where yet, but that will be nice. Harry will need some cheering up - he's in punishment club in school this afternoon! His own fault, entirely! He's his own worst enemy, honestly! He got a 'red card' on Tuesday I think it was...... he's been told I don't know how many times to get off the ice at the edge of the yard...will he? No. So he gets a yellow 'warning' card for more wrong step at this point and it's the red card, red box and punishment club.... so what does he do? Say Sorry when asked why he did it? Oh no, he says he did because he WANTED to go in the yellow box!?! I ask you! Well, his teacher decides that's cheeky to the extreme and he goes straight into the red box! When I asked him why he said that he 'couldn't think of anything else to say'!!!! Honestly! I've told him, next time he can't think of anything else to say - just button it! Don't say anything!!! Or, sorry would have been a good bet! You have to giggle though!

Well have a good weekend all :)

Thursday, 21 January 2010

One Step at a Time

What a difference a day can make. I'm feeling a lot more human and a lot more positive today. I've had a couple of 'down hours' but on the whole I'm feeling better. Which I'm very relieved about, I was starting to worry about myself. Don't get me wrong, on this road there are going to be some difficult turns up ahead and some steep hills and troughs too, but with days like these mixed in, I'll be able to cope.

Had a lovely day yesterday. Met up with my best friend in the world and feel connected again......that feeling is so precious and that connection so vital. The light switch is back on again, and that means the world to me, I only wish I could figure out how to switch it on myself! Also spent some time up at the cemetary and put the flowers I bought on mum's birthday last Weds on her grave. I'm glad they're there now, they look lovely and cheerful, she'd like that. I spent some time browsing around the shops and enjoyed that too - big change from Monday when I spent all that time looking but not seeing anything.

So there we go. Today, Harry has a playdate after school at the house so I'll be cleaning up a little this afternoon. I'm taking it easily still, if I feel like a cry, then I have one. I'm still getting the nightmares too so if I feel like a nap, I have one. I'm so grateful for this space to sort myself out and for those very special people who are helping me to take one step forward at a time. I am forever indebted to you all :)

Tuesday, 19 January 2010

Nearly Hump Day!

Tuesday's an odd day of the week isn't it? Monday is SO yesterday but you're not quite at Wednesday, the magic hump've climbed to the top of the hill and can now coast down to the weekend. Anyway, since it's 22:55 I'm nearly in hump mode :) Not that the days mean so much as I have been signed off work for another week. Saw the Dr this afternoon and I have to go back to see her again in another week. More time to react to the situation in which I find myself and more time to look after myself....I'm not very good at that. Is anyone?

You know I'm very frustrated with myself in terms of my new years' resolutions! I've not done anything! Hardly any work on my novel at all - it hasn't grown by a single word, although I've tinkered around with it a little. I've not even looked at my short stories and I've not sent anything off to anywhere.... I don't know what my excuse is even now. I must sort that out.

Another resolution was to try my hand at a bit of art, the drawing kind.... I am not any good at all, believe me, but I do find it quite therapeutic. My Grandad was an artist. I never met him, he was actually buried on the day I was born (odd day for my poor Dad eh?!) but when I was younger I would get these urges to draw things, often at night, and they turned out fairly well. Any other time, I couldn't draw for toffee. I've always believed it was Grandad coming to visit me. I have no idea where those drawings are now. I'm sure I wouldn't have thrown the A4 pads out, but I don't know what happened to them. Anyway, I'm going to have another go. I bought some pencils and sketch pads earlier this week so I've got no excuse for not doing that now either....not even got them out of the bag yet!

Tomorrow, I am looking forward to. I'm heading up north to get a few things done. I may have a bit of a browse round the Trafford Centre (no money so won't be buying a thing!), then I'm heading up to the cemetary since we were snowed in when it would have been Mum's birthday last week, then heading over to see a very special person and then staying with my cousins over night (cue the chippy tea and a bottle of cider). I'm looking forward to the whole trip, it will be just what I need I think. In my current state of mind I'm convinced that nothing will go to plan but, what was my other resolution? To be more positive! So I'll have a go. It WILL be fine, it, really....I'm sure it will :)

Sunday, 17 January 2010

Cul-de-sac Sunday

There were two choices today.....not blog, or write a grumpy, depressing one. Since this post has arrived, I've decided on the second option. Apologies for that.

Life, at the moment, isn't easy. At all. I'm not going to go into details but I'm going through some emotional issues, some of which have resurfaced after years of convincing me they'd gone. They haven't and so I have now made the brave move to tackle them head on. It's scary, especially on top of everything else going on at the moment. That does mean the next few months, at least, are going to be rather like a roller coaster.

What I always find difficult to is that when you are dealing with emotional problems, there are also real life problems too. If only you could pause the world so that you could just deal with the inside issues for a while, then hit play again when you were ready. But you can't, no matter how much you may want to. The two play against each other, jarring and causing no end of added friction. And when you think you may have found a way forward in one world, it doesn't fit in the other. This has been my finding today, having decided upon a course of action that seemed to show a light forward, reality has rendered it impossible and dumped more dirt on top of the path just for good measure. Now it's certainly a cul-de-sac, for the time being at least.

So life isn't easy, that's not really news to any of us is it? A friend told me of a saying she had seen outside a church the other day 'Calm waters do not make a good sailor' - no, maybe not. But I've never been that into sailing.....give me the calm waters, I'll go for a swim!

Thursday, 14 January 2010

Decisions, decisions

It's a wind and curving path isn't it, this walkway of life? You never quite know what is coming next....and maybe that is for the best. It would be rather dull if knew what was around the next corner I suppose. When I went to visit the Dr on Tuesday I didn't expect to be signed off work. But I was. And here I am. At least for one week, quite probably longer...... It's a strange position to be in but I'm embracing it at much as I can, resting, relaxing and allowing myself the space I haven't had.

Space and time can be dangerous things when you have them thrust upon you, I find. If I plan a week off then I have some ideas how to fill my time, things I would like to do and look forward the moment, I'm still in my pyjamas, can't decide if i want a shower or a bath or neither. There's so much snow outside that going anywhere, even for a walk is almost impossible.

I don't feel remotely creative today and am not drawn to writing at the moment. The way I feel I would probably kill my characters off or have a bomb land on the village....not the way I envisaged the plot going, to be honest. I can only assume that this weird headplace in which I find myself is actually doing me some good and that the Dr knows this is what I need.

I have so many decisions and ideas going round my head but I have no idea which ones, if any, are worth following up...and they are all life changing. At which point do I act and for how long do I sit here and see if they go away? Hasn't anyone written a manual for life yet?

Friday, 8 January 2010

Facebook is for Life, Not just for Christmas.....

...or for any other short period in life! Or so it would seem.

Like many I sometimes question the amount of time I spend on Facebook. When I open my laptop I automatically go straight to Facebook. I don't know when or how this started happening but last week I decided enough was enough! There is more to life - there is a whole real world out here. And why I speak to people on Facebook when I can just speak to them in work....well, quite frankly, it baffles me!

And so, last Monday evening, I thought I'd do something about it. I was adamant. I was reclaiming my laptop. It's for my writing, first and foremost, not for social networking (and certainly not for social stalking!). And so, I made the big gesture. I hit the 'deactivate' button. There is no delete button, of course. Ever. Once you're signed up, you're there for life!

So there I was. Ever so proud. I was deactivated. I had disappeared from the Facebook alternative life was my own again. Wasn't it? Quick answer? No.

Next, the emails started......why had I deleted people from my friends on Facebook? I hadn't, of course, but this is how it appeared to my friends who had searched for me. I then had to send emails a plenty explaining that I hadn't deleted them, I had just deactivated my account and was spending some time away from Facebook. Next came more emails....was I OK? I'd been very quiet on Facebook recently..... more replies...., yes I'm fine thank you...and I'm just taking a break....etc etc ... By this point the texts had also started...... and replying to everything was actually taking more time than if I'd just stayed as I was!

And so, this morning, I reactivated my account...and updated my status to say that I haven't deleted anyone but am having a break from Facebook. What happens? People start replying to it...and asking questions....and writing on my wall! My conclusion? It is impossible to take a break from Facebook..........when you are lucky enough to have lots of wonderful friends who look out for you and miss you when you're not there. But, be warned....Facebook at your own risk - there is no way out!!!!

Tuesday, 5 January 2010

Tales of the White Stuff

Wow. What a day. As I sit here the snowing is falling gently outside onto the garden, which already looks as if it has been layed with cotton wool. It looks beautiful....until you have to go out in it of course!

This morning I had a bit of a shock as there was no snow at home. None. Not a flake and there wasn't even any ice. I thought how nice it was to be that little bit warmer, left my gloves at home and settled into the car for the hour journey into work. Imagine the shock when, all at once, I found myself driving through heavy falling snow. Scary doesn't quite cover it! Within a few minutes I was through it and thought it was just a freak snow shower......until, another few minutes down the motorway, it started again! And got heavier. And stuck. Until there was only one lane of the motorway that was open. I knew then it was going to be a busy day.

And it was. I parked the car and trudged into the office, only to find out that I could probably have parked in the car park underneath! Of course this is where my job is one of the most frustrating in the world.........when it snows we are busy! You will have heard travel reports on the radio when it snows...they are long! Road closures, accidents, abandoned vehicles, cancelled name it. But of course, this means we have to get into work....and can everyone get into work in that much snow? No. Of course not. So on our busiest days....we have fewest staff! It's just the way it goes, and it made for a very busy shift today! I haven't eaten anything properly yet! The way it's looking now, I don't think I will be able to get into work looks like the road out of the estate to the main road is blocked! Oh deary dear....and to think, now I know I could park in the car park! Typical!

Saturday, 2 January 2010

Warm and cosy

Heee, this is the life. I'm sitting on the sofa in my pyjamas and dressing gown...with a large warm fleece over my legs (let's not mention the fact it's green with Ben 10 on it!), with the fire roaring away in front of me and a mixture of Enigma and Goldfrapp on Spotify. Fabulous!

I've had a fairly good day on the whole, although a visit to my mum's grave was a very emotional one. Still, I think that does me good. It grounds me. Reminds me of who I am. It's easy to forget sometimes as I get so wound up in things that are going on around me these days. There's no point, I can't control them. I need to concentrate on me.

So, that's what I've done. I've written my blog for the weightwatchers website today (I'm amazed to only have gained half a pound over Christmas!) so that is now sent and I have also spent some time working on my novel too. I would have liked to have spent longer really but Harry wanted me to watch 'How it's Made - Super Cars' with the laptop went into hibernate but at least I know how to make a crash test dummy and that there's a 3 year wait for a Ferrari spaghetti (or whatever it was called!).

Tomorrow - BIG CLEAN DAY and I have to take all the Christmas decorations down....see, the four trees don't seem like a good idea now do they? Whatever possessed me??????

Friday, 1 January 2010

In awe of words

They're great aren't they? Words? I know since a lot of people who read this blog are fellow writers that you will probably agree but I've been thinking about them a lot today. You see, maybe I should be embarrassed to admit this, but I've rediscovered the humble know the ones, a list of words to find in a grid of letters? I used to do them as a child with my Grandma and Auntie Ivy (wonderful memories) and so when I had a long train journey ahead of me a couple of weeks ago I thought I'd relive my youth and buy a book of them from the newsagent on the station platform.

As it happened I didn't open it all the way there. It snowed and the scenery was far too beautiful to miss out on on (as was the rather good looking chap who sat opposite me!) and so the book remained closed. However, I now have it by my bed (the book that is, not the handsome young man!)and have taken to doing at least one puzzle every night before I go to sleep. I wish I'd done it years ago. It's so relaxing and has really opened my eyes to the 'world of words' again. It's so easy to take them forgranted.

I don't know about you but I can't just get into bed and sleep....I could once but I think there is too much going around my head at the moment. It doesn't switch off that easily and words really are the way of quietening it down and focusing on something.....on slowing down and relaxing. Most nights this involves a mixture of a wordsearch and then a chapter of whichever book I am reading. It works a treat. But I now find myself in pure wonderment of words.....aren't they fantabulous?!