Tuesday, 24 August 2010
Monday, 23 August 2010
So, it's now me and Harry until Friday which is lovely - if slightly scary! I heard my ex heading out the door this morning to catch his flight and as the key turned in the door that was it. I'm in charge. Who? Me? Well, apparently I am big enough to cope so here I am.....
So far so good. I had a Dr's appointment this morning which I duly attended, on time and it wasn't half as bad as I'd feared... phew....I phone on Weds for the results. I picked up Harry from his nan's and we headed over to a local retail park and looked at far too many toys for far too long.
We wolfed down a couple of McFlurries on the way home and then plonked in the house as the rain poured outside...it's hardly stopped all day. I've come to the conclusion that any size house is too small to contain one seven year old and one kitten. At one point I watched Harry slide down the stairs on a bean bag as I removed the cat from the dishwasher....I think that says it all. One thing to add to Harry's twitter site later on too - we had some old gameshow on challenge tv, think it was Jasper Carrott's 'Golden Balls' and the younger of the female contestants was voted off. 'No!' Came the shout, 'I hate it when the good looking ones get voted off.' There are no words.....
So, I've sat here pondering and wondering for much of the day and haven't, so far, managed to complete any of the jobs I've set myself for this week.....but it's only half five....plenty of day left yet! What's that? Do I fancy a brew? Oh go on then.....
Sunday, 22 August 2010
I sat by the bed but couldn’t bring myself to hold her hand. I just looked at it. The ring that I bought her so recently was still resting on her finger, albeit now held in place with some tape. Her body looked so frail and light, she was silent, except for the shallow breaths that came and went. Her eyes were closed. This was my mum, the strong lady who had brought me up, who had worked so hard for me, reduced to this lifeless figure that lay before me. She was dying. I didn’t know how long she had left, no one could tell me, but I had a strong suspicion that this would be the last time I saw her. It was.
That visit to the hospital will always stay as vivid in my mind as it is now. I knew before I even entered the room that it would probably be the last time I would make the journey. I had given it a lot of thought as I didn’t want to regret anything that I did or said. For that matter I didn’t want to regret not saying or doing anything either.
I had received an email from a friend the day before who had lost her mum a few years before. Her advice had been to tell my mum that it was OK for her to go. To give her permission to die. The very thought of speaking those words filled me with fear and dread and yet I felt that it was something I should do. Mum wasn’t coming back, I knew that. There was no way in the world that she was going to recover from the cancer that had eaten her away. I hated seeing her like this. It was time for her to be free from the ugly mass her body had become.
As I sat there, in the chair by her bed, I felt suddenly self conscious. Could there be a more important meeting? It was my last chance to say everything I wanted to. If I said anything wrong or missed anything out I would regret it for the rest of my life. I cried.
Looking back on that day I am relieved to say I do not regret anything. I did tell Mum that it was time for her to go. I told her that we didn’t want to see her in pain anymore and that, whilst we would all miss her, we would be strong and we would be OK. I told her that I loved her and that I would make sure my son knew all about his Granny. He was only 3 and so I knew I would have to help him to remember her.
It is now a little over four years later and I can still look back on that final visit with no regret. I sometimes wish that I could have brought myself to hold Mum’s hand but I know that she wouldn’t have expected me to. It was just something I couldn’t bring myself to do, I think I was afraid of how it would feel.
There are many things that I could regret, many decisions, especially those we made towards the end of her life but I still feel we did the right things and I am forever grateful that I do not question those difficult times.
That’s not to say that there are not things I would have done differently, but they are mainly things from a long time ago. I wish that I had not spent so much time shut upstairs in my room when I lived at home. There were only the two of us and I can clearly remember saying, ‘I’m going upstairs’ and heading up to my bedroom leaving mum alone downstairs most evenings after tea. The stupid thing is that I have no idea what I was doing up there. It was so important that I can’t remember it and yet it was enough to leave my mum alone for. When I think of all the hours we spent apart and yet in the same house I could just kick myself. All the conversations we missed out on and the laughs we could have shared. If I could go back in time I would be sitting there with her every evening. I would just love to sit and watch TV with her now or just sit and chat. I hate that I gave away all that time. Time that now feels so precious to me. I would give almost anything just to be able to spend another 5 minutes by her side.
I also regret not helping more around the house. I suppose I was a typical teenager, every household job was a chore. I should have done more and not dragged my feet so much - stopped moaning and just got on with it. I feel this clearly now that I have my own house to run. If only I’d learned more from her. Mum loved to clean and have everything sparkly and clear. It seemed effortless to her. Home always had a wonderful atmosphere, it was cosy, warm and safe. I never realised how much hard work it took to create this feeling. I think I must have assumed it was just ‘there’. As I try to recreate it now for my own child, I know just how much it takes and I will be forever amazed that Mum managed it so well considering everything else that was going on in her life.
I could also have learnt a lot from my mum about cooking, another thing I regret every time I switch the oven on! I was just not that interested in baking and cooking as a teenager. It was another thing that Mum loved to do and so I left her to it. The food she made was always delicious. Quite frequently now I will remember one of the dishes she used to prepare and wish I could remember what it was called or how to make it. But it’s too late now. I never asked when I could have done. I will always regret that.
This amazing lady was bringing me up alone, struggling in so many ways, and working full time. I only wish I had the insight back then that I have now, all these years later. I just hope I didn’t make things any harder. At the time I was just a child, in so many ways removed from the reality of life. Still living in some idealistic bubble surrounded by my own agonies and importance. Looking back now, I want to pop that bubble. I want to shout at myself to realise what was right under my nose and to care for it and nurture it. I had the most fantastic mum in the world and I took her for granted. That hurts.
I can almost hear my mum’s voice as I write this piece saying that she wouldn’t have changed a thing. That’s Mum all over. She was a giver and, in the end, she gave everything. My job now is to take all that she gave to me and to pass it on. The unlimited love that she showed to me I must now share with my son and, eventually, any children that he has. This motherly love still shines from within me, everyday, even though my mum is no longer here. She lives on in the way that I live my life.
Saturday, 21 August 2010
This week, of course, has seen the annual A level results released. And, for a welcome change, the headlines haven't been screaming of how the results are better than last year, the year before that, the year before that and the last 22,456 years too, no doubt. But the alternative headlines I have actually find even more difficult to comprehend.......
'At least 200,000 students who have applied to University will not get in'
Erm, OK. Is it just me who doesn't see a problem with this? At what point is everyone who applies to University SUPPOSED to get in? It's supposed to be competitive......not a given that if you fancy having a go at higher education, then why not?
I was taught to look at courses from age 15 or so, decide what I wanted to do...make sure I chose the right subjects from GCSE level and then work bloody hard to make sure I got onto the course I wanted.... I honestly don't think I ever assumed I would go, I had to work for it. And I didn't just want to go to University for the sake of going....I wanted that course, that subject because I felt a real love and interest in my subject....and that was why I worked hard enough to ensure that I got onto my first choice. If I hadn't, yes there were fall back options but I would have been devastated. And so I worked. Hard. And I got through. But I was fully aware that if I hadn't worked I wouldn't have gone. End of.
It, quite frankly, dumbfounds me that it can be seen as a 'given' that if you apply for university you will get a place.....to my mind it should be over subscribed, that's what pushes you to work. It's like applying for a job, many applicants - ONE job. That's how it works, it's how it should work in my mind. Because that's what makes people really question what it is that they want to do. Without wanting to sound like a snob, though no real apologies if I do, university is not for everyone and it worries me that it is pushed down children's throats as if it is the only way forward. It isn't and in pushing so much we are increasing the numbers of students applying for second or third rate courses and, as a result, devaluing the worth of every degree and person who holds one. We are also costing the country nationally and as individual families a whole lot of money. And for what? To me, it just isn't the way forward. Let's stop force feeding university to people who, given a free choice, would rather do something else. Let people really find their own vocation, their own interests and their own strengths then give them support to use them and develop them for the good of the country and themselves and their families. Yes, we do need academics, of course we do, but we need a lot more to keep the country ticking over too.
OK rant over.....
Friday, 20 August 2010
Take this week. It was Wednesday. It was 6:15pm, we had just finished eating....
I take a deep breath.....there's a question coming and it could be on any subject, be about anybody (doesn't matter if I know them or not).....it really could be anything.
'How did the first man or lady get on the Earth.'
Initially I think I had a little sigh of relief, then the bottom fell out when I opened my mouth and realised I didn't know where to start. It was Wednesday tea time. What a time to ask a question like that....
Anyway, I switched into 'repsonsible Mummy mode' and realised I should be happy that I have an inquisitive, intelligent son (though I may still have been grumbling slightly internally). I took a deep breath and explained that scientists believe in a process called evolution and I took him through some of the basics of evolving from apes, using tools, changing shape etc etc Then I explained that people who believe in the Bible believe that God made man and I told him the story of Adam and Eve. 'How did they get those names?' Erm, I still have no idea? Anyone know that? I said God must have chosen them and told someone....or something like that.
Anyway, he listened intently seeming to take it all in. I asked if he understood. He nodded. I relaxed. I put the kettle on.
Ten minutes later.....
'So people who believe in the Bible think that Adam and Eve were the first people to evolve from apes?'
I'll start again.
Tuesday, 17 August 2010
Thursday, 29 July 2010
And so, how was the actual appointment? Well it was fine. The Dr I saw was lovely, very easy to speak to and we went through a lot of things, albeit rather vaguely for now. I go back to see her again later in August and we talk about what happens next - it appears to be yet ANOTHER waiting list. This does raise questions.....as much as I may laugh about it sometimes. I first went to see my GP with the symptoms in January and now, here we are, almost in August and I'm about to be put on another waiting list. Thankfully I am coping, and I'm dealing with my symptoms fairly well for the most part but if I wasn't then what would have happened? I have jokingly said to friends, 'It's a good job I'm not suicidal eh?' But it's not really funny is it? Because some people are. Then what?
On a brighter note I'm looking forward to my psychic development course tonight - though it's the last one! How did that happen? I'm surging forward with my distance readings and did two last night. I'm hoping to get another couple in tonight if I can. I really love doing them and I only hope that my readings are accurate and provide people with as much joy and inspiration as I feel when I do them. I had to laugh last night as Harry burst into the room as I was doing a reading. He looked at the table, with the cards laid out with a puzzled look on his face. He doesn't like to not understand...and the best way he could think of phrasing the question... 'So what kind of this is this?' Where do I even start? lol
Right, time to put the kettle on I think.
Love and Light
Tuesday, 27 July 2010
Tomorrow is the next stage of facing them. It is still seen by many as a taboo subject. Why would I want to talk about mental issues in my blog? It's fairly simple. Because, to me, talking about these things is important. It's a step to facing them and from stopping them controlling me by my fear of them. I also feel it is about time that this taboo idea was stamped out. So many people deal with mental health issues at some point in their lives and those very issues are compounded by the fact they are emabarrassed and feel unable to talk about their problems. It doesn't help anyone. I'm not saying we need to obsess about these things, that's not healthy either but we do need an open forum where the information people need is readily and easily available.
So, tomorrow I have an appointment. With a clinical psychologist. Am I embarrassed by that? No, I'm not. Am I nervous about it? Yes, very much so. I am going to have to face, head on, things that I have hidden for a very long time. And yet, through all the fear and panic of tomorrow there is also, on some level, a sense of looking forward to it. Some of these issues have been holding me back for a very long time and I'm looking forward to laying everything out on the table and holding my hands up and asking for help. I'm not good at asking for help, but tomorrow I will and I'm looking forward to moving onwards and upwards. It won't be an easy journey but I'll get there - just you watch me.
Wednesday, 21 July 2010
Sunday, 4 July 2010
Wednesday, 30 June 2010
Monday, 21 June 2010
Friday, 18 June 2010
I still managed to go to my psychic development course last night as H was able to stay home with Daddy. I just have so much fun on that course. Last night was the first of our two on clairvoyance and I just felt so open and one with everything we were doing. One of the other girls on the course did a 3 card spread for me which was spot on, she did a great job and I did a 3 card spread for someone else too, who equally seemed very happy and told me my reading made a lot of sense to him. I just love doing it and would really enjoy getting back into it all again as much as I can and as my confidence increases :-)
Today, spent most of the day Harry sitting, did manage a brief jog in the park, race for life is just over a week away and we have now raised £270 which I am over the moon about. This weekend is all about me and my little chappy - really looking forward to it.
Love and light xxxx
Tuesday, 15 June 2010
Harry's audition went well. I was so proud of him, he sang loudly and clearly and was interviewed twice too, not sure if he's through to the next round but of course it doesn't really matter. He had fun and boosted his confidence which is the whole point.
I'm having a bit of a blah day today, struggling a bit to keep myself grounded, no matter what I try to do. I really feel I am moving along my spiritual path at quite a rate in some ways and yet in other ways I seem stubbornly stuck. I am accepting of this situation, as much as I can be and I do trust that the universe will support me through the process of growing and opening but that doesn't mean to say that some days it's just bloody hard going.
I have done a lot of clearing from my life in this last twelve months, I regret none of it and I have gained in so many ways. What it has brought to the fore, however, is that there is a huge great big ruddy hole within myself that I have the tendency to try to fill with a never ending conveyor belt of fads and obsessions, be they plans, treatments, hobbies or even people. This is a bad thing. It doesn't work and inevitably leaves me feeling even more empty as each passing phase comes to its end. I need to find a way of filling this hole with me, a way of making the hole whole as it were.
I suppose at least I am aware of the situation now.....it means I spend a lot of time sitting on the edge of the abyss staring down into it, desperately fighting against my instinct to fill it up again quickly. Thing is, when I fill it, it's like pouring water into a hole in the sand, the water leaks out through the bottom and before you know it the hole is empty again. I need to find more sand to fill the hole with. Sand that will stay put.
Ah well, there's my musings for tonight. I'm just going to write my psychic development journal and then 10 minutes meditation before sleep.....love and light xx
Tuesday, 8 June 2010
Things are still rather hectic, chaotic and ever so slightly crazy here at the moment - nothing new there then eh? I seem to be having to plan every minute to make sure that I get everything covered and sorted out....even as I type this I've remembered that I've not got my bag packed to go to the gym straight from work tomorrow as I won't have time to come back for it...aarrgggh....I hope I remember in the morning!
Tomorrow, my little darling has decided to audition for his school version of Britain's Got Talent. I have NO idea what has brought this on. At Christmas he was appalled at the thought of getting up on stage and speaking in front of an audience and now he has chosen to sing, alone. I'm half expecting him to change his mind when the reality sets in, but for now we await with baited breath. Has he practised? No. He's sung along in the car but if I so much as glance at him out of the corner of my eye then he stops singing abruptly and glares back....tomorrow could be.....interesting.
His question of the week came last night as I tried to relax with a coffee after dinner:
If you had a helicopter and stopped the propellors but spun the fuselage would it stay in the air?
Erm, I'll leave you with that.....answers on a postcard?
Tuesday, 1 June 2010
This last 12 months have probably given me more material to work with than any other period in my life but I think maybe I'm just still too far inside it all to actually work with it at the moment. Luckily, I have kept journals for some of the time and, difficult though they will be to read back, I know the intensity of the feelings will be etched on those pages for all time.
I'm currently researching retreats, with the idea of taking 5 days or so to myself later in the year. I'm thinking maybe October as I find that to be an inspirational time of year anyway. I'm not sure where I will go, I am open to all possibilities and trust that the right place will be brought to me at the right time. I am looking forward to it already though.....just me and my laptop, a notebook, a pen and a kettle - what more can a girl need?
Wednesday, 26 May 2010
Well, today I gave myself a mortifying reminder of why I should try NOT to go into this autopilot state.....a reminder that will no doubt haunt me for weeks to come, knowing my colleagues it will probably follow me for months if not years..... I messed up. On BBC Radio Leeds. Just before the 1 o clock news. Sorry Radio Leeds......I really do know that British Airways aren't still be affected by resurfacing work. Really, I do. Sorry. And to make it worse it was a timed bulletin and I didn't have even a second to correct myself. Ooops. Did I mention I was sorry? I'll go and hide now.........oh dear!
Sunday, 23 May 2010
On a similar note, it wasn't so long ago I spent a rather frustrating hour trying to explain the election to him. I felt I should try, my degree after all is in politics, I should be able to descirbe the basics without too much trouble. Wrong. It's impossible. He's 7. And as much as he did fairly well at understanding the actual concepts, the jargon and terminology just gets impossible. I mean, you can't explain anything without having to explain what you've just attempted TO explain.....candidates, parties (no, no cake or party bags), constituencies, Prime minister, councils, Goverment, House of Commons (no, not that kind of house), Downing St (er, yes that is a kind of house), House of Lords (no, that isn't...) it just goes on and on. Eventually his eyes had glazed over and my head was overflowing so I gave up. At which point he said he thought he got it. But he'd still just vote for his favourite colour, blue. I give up!
Saturday, 22 May 2010
Thursday, 4 February 2010
Friday, 22 January 2010
Thursday, 21 January 2010
Tuesday, 19 January 2010
Sunday, 17 January 2010
Thursday, 14 January 2010
Friday, 8 January 2010
Like many I sometimes question the amount of time I spend on Facebook. When I open my laptop I automatically go straight to Facebook. I don't know when or how this started happening but last week I decided enough was enough! There is more to life - there is a whole real world out here. And why I speak to people on Facebook when I can just speak to them in work....well, quite frankly, it baffles me!
And so, last Monday evening, I thought I'd do something about it. I was adamant. I was reclaiming my laptop. It's for my writing, first and foremost, not for social networking (and certainly not for social stalking!). And so, I made the big gesture. I hit the 'deactivate' button. There is no delete button, of course. Ever. Once you're signed up, you're there for life!
So there I was. Ever so proud. I was deactivated. I had disappeared from the Facebook alternative universe....my life was my own again. Wasn't it? Quick answer? No.
Next, the emails started......why had I deleted people from my friends on Facebook? I hadn't, of course, but this is how it appeared to my friends who had searched for me. I then had to send emails a plenty explaining that I hadn't deleted them, I had just deactivated my account and was spending some time away from Facebook. Next came more emails....was I OK? I'd been very quiet on Facebook recently..... more replies...., yes I'm fine thank you...and I'm just taking a break....etc etc ... By this point the texts had also started...... and replying to everything was actually taking more time than if I'd just stayed as I was!
And so, this morning, I reactivated my account...and updated my status to say that I haven't deleted anyone but am having a break from Facebook. What happens? People start replying to it...and asking questions....and writing on my wall! My conclusion? It is impossible to take a break from Facebook..........when you are lucky enough to have lots of wonderful friends who look out for you and miss you when you're not there. But, be warned....Facebook at your own risk - there is no way out!!!!