Tonight isn't easy. In fact, it's far from it. You may remember earlier in the year I ended up taking 6 weeks off work on Dr's orders and was, eventually, diagnosed with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). Well, although I have now been back at work full time for a number of months of course the symptoms of this diagnosis have not gone away - there is no magic cure. I have been learning to deal with them, controlling them where I can and simply accepting them when I can't. It's been a steep learning curve but bit by bit I have put the issues back into the box they fell out of and managed to get on with my life, albeit knowing that at some point I would have to face the demons that are lurking in my head.
Tomorrow is the next stage of facing them. It is still seen by many as a taboo subject. Why would I want to talk about mental issues in my blog? It's fairly simple. Because, to me, talking about these things is important. It's a step to facing them and from stopping them controlling me by my fear of them. I also feel it is about time that this taboo idea was stamped out. So many people deal with mental health issues at some point in their lives and those very issues are compounded by the fact they are emabarrassed and feel unable to talk about their problems. It doesn't help anyone. I'm not saying we need to obsess about these things, that's not healthy either but we do need an open forum where the information people need is readily and easily available.
So, tomorrow I have an appointment. With a clinical psychologist. Am I embarrassed by that? No, I'm not. Am I nervous about it? Yes, very much so. I am going to have to face, head on, things that I have hidden for a very long time. And yet, through all the fear and panic of tomorrow there is also, on some level, a sense of looking forward to it. Some of these issues have been holding me back for a very long time and I'm looking forward to laying everything out on the table and holding my hands up and asking for help. I'm not good at asking for help, but tomorrow I will and I'm looking forward to moving onwards and upwards. It won't be an easy journey but I'll get there - just you watch me.