Sunday, 6 December 2009

What Can I Say?

I can't tell you how good it feels to be logging onto my old blog and typing again...it's like coming back to an old friend after too long away. It feels comfortable and relaxing....mmmmm

Today has been an up and down kind of day to be honest. I struggled first thing this morning to find any positive worth getting up for....that wasn't helped by the fact that Harry, little darling that he is, woke me up in the middle of a dream. Don't you hate it when that happens? If you get back to sleep again quickly enough sometimes you can catch up where you left off, but that wasn't possible this morning and I can't even remember what the dream was about now. It's left me feeling slightly off balance all day.

As I wrote yesterday, it's kind of difficult to work out what I can and can't write here. I don't like that feeling but it's one I need to think about. Thing is, a lot has changed and in order to share the things going on in my head here, which is what I feel a blog is about, it is neccessary to at least explain the outer conditions. Without them the inner ones won't make much sense at all. There are more complications than you can throw a stick at and if you'd told me I'd be in this mess 6 months ago I would never have believed you. But here I am. If there's one thing I have learnt over the last few months it is that NOTHING is black and white.....and there is more than one shade of grey too.

I suppose it is enough to give the outlines without the detail, I know the people who read my blog will not judge or criticise me, they know me well enough for that....it is the people I don't know that I need to think of...and when I say that, I don't mean to say that I am worried what other people think, but that in the public realm there is always the possibilty that someone will stumble upon this writing who knows some of the people to whom I refer. But I will only say that I type from the heart and, I suppose, if anyone does happen upon this blog who knows me I would hope they would respect and listen to what I say.

Short version I suppose is that in July I left home. I needed to follow my heart and it was no longer at home. I stayed away for around 10 weeks when I came back as I needed to see my son more frequently. I missed him a lot. So now I am back, but with my own space. Though times are not easy and sometimes can be awkward, the house is big enough to share and we are all getting along OK, for the most part anyway. The rings are off, the statuses (statii?!) on facebook are deleted...you get the idea. So that is where I find myself. It's a very odd situation and I am not really sure where I go from here or what I do. I'm taking time to be myself and taking each day and opportunity at a time. That feels good. I no longer feel trapped or hindered, other than by finances but I think we all feel that. So, in many many ways I am in a much better place. I have hopes and dreams for my future but many of these plans are out of my hands and so I can only wish that they may come to fruition when the time is right. Patience is not my strong point and I am certainly being tested on that at the moment. I hope it is a lesson I can pass.

And so today has been a day of feeling the frustration of the situation and some days I can breathe in the light and positivity, others I feel the depths of darkness and impatience. Today has been the latter although I have been striving for light and love. I think on the whole I have done fairly well. We'll see what tomorrow brings. I hope this blog makes sense, I am aware of having rambled around whilst probably saying very little.........

5 comments:

Debs said...

It sounds like you've been through a hell of a lot these past few months. Glad you're okay and that things seem to be sorting themselves out. Good to see you blogging again too.

Jayne said...

Thanks Debs x

kestrel said...

One day at a time...I hope things work out. There will always be better days. You were brave to return home for your son. There is always love and light for everyone, yours will come too.

Paul said...

Credit to you Jayne. I'm a bloke, and I have been through a similar cicumstance. Hard at times; some times flippin' hard, other times just a pain, but it's still there, and stays for some time. Your son is lucky having someone like you; one day growing up to understand and thank you. An excellent blog.

Jan Jones said...

Lovely to see you back. Life is often very, very hard. Working things out in a way to create least pain is even harder.

(((hugs)))