Wednesday, 21 January 2009

Dejected and Fed Up

I'm having one of those 'It's hard to stay positive' days. It's entirely work related as the impending loss of my biggest contract is weighing heavy on my mind. I've spent the last few days subbing lots of articles, fillers, you name it to magazines and, of course, I'm not hearing anything back. It's the silence that's hard to take. A straight rejection is, in some ways, easier. You can pick yourself up, dust your idea down and start redressing it for another market. The waiting is impossible. Every time I log into my computer I'm hoping for an email with some good news. I'm just not getting emails at all and I know, I need to be a lot more patient, but when you NEED the work it's hard going. It's bad enough when you only want it.

I have two application forms in the dining room for 'normal' jobs. I've filled one in so far. It's not that I wouldn't enjoy it. It's not that it probably wouldn't do me some good. It's not that I'm lazy and don't want to work. It's just then I won't be a working writer any more. At least not in the same way. I've been so proud to be able to make enough money doing what I love and I don't want to let that feeling go. It's hard and it's with me every hour of every day at the moment.

I'll keep plugging on, maybe some miracle will come along and I will find regular contracts to make up for the one I am losing. I'll keep you updated. Until then, I'm going to put the kettle on and have a cammomile tea.......whilst I search through the jobs online.....
I'm sure I'll soon feel more like myself again. This is the reality of freelance working. Sometimes there are not enough hours in the day to get the work done and some times there's not enough work to fill the hours in the day. It's swings and roundabouts, snakes and ladders....right now I'm looking for a ladder as I slide down a snake!


Suzie! said...

I feel the same way, hon. I have little interest in anything. The impending doom is difficult to cope with.

I keep trawling jobs online, but nothing concrete as of yet.

It wasn't that I particularly loved the job, but more I got used to the money. I feel lost.


Debs said...

I'm crossing my fingers that you find something soon.

I've also had a miserable day. My workload doubled since Nov, and despite clients being thrilled with my work, my senior manager has done nothing but criticize in her feedback for my Annual Review tomorrow.

Mummy said...

Suzie - thanks. I'm sure you know exactlt how I'm feeling! xx

Debs - sorry to hear that work isn't much fun at the moment. I hope they realise how hard and well you work for them in your review. (((HUGS)))