I've gone from one extreme to the other today in some ways.....after spending most of yesterday firing off emails and hoping for some more work, I have now been inundated from all angles! And none of it came from any of the emails from yesterday. Typical! Oh well, lol. It'll keep me busy for the next week or so that's for sure :)
This morning was challenging to say the least. I dropped the Bean off at his new school and, for the first time, he was reluctant to go in. It broke my heart. He really seems to be struggling to make friends in his new class. I know he's only been there a week but normally, by now, he would have at least found someone who he wanted to play with. It didn't help that one little girl in the year below, who Harry has known for several years, has told him that she's not his friend. All perfectly normal behaviour for this age group I know, but so upsetting for those on the receiving end. So far he says he hasn't played with anyone and doesn't really talk to anyone, except the teachers. This is fairly typical in some ways though as he generally prefers to talk to adults rather than other children.
Once again I found myself in tears as I drove away from the school. I wanted to know what I should do. What could I do? I wanted to offload, to share and to be told everything would be OK. I couldn't, however, think of anyone I actaully wanted to talk to at the time. I wanted to be comforted but wouldn't have wanted to meet with any of my friends. I just don't have that kind of relationship with them really.
I came back home and was standing in the middle of the kitchen with my washing liquid in one hand and my fabric conditioner in the other when the reality of it finally hit me. I wanted my mum. I missed my mum. No wonder I couldn't work out which of my friends I could put in to the role of the comforter....no one could ever fill it. The truth hit me like a ton of bricks and I spent the next ten minutes unconsoleably crying over my washing machine (must have looked tragic!).
I do feel better for having got the chemicals out of my system at least. It has also answered some of this 'lost' feeling that I have had lately. I still have a HUGE hole in my life that will never be filled, I just have to work around it. Sometimes I forget just how big a readjustment this is. I shouldn't. I'm doing well but I need to cut myself some slack sometimes.
I'm going to have a word with the Bean's teacher tomorrow and just give her the heads up that he's struggling to find friends. I'm sure he will soon find people to play with. He's such a precious boy......and I've got lots of work to be getting on with to keep me busy! If I need a cry tomorrow though, I think I'll find somewhere a little more comfortable!