Remember when I said I was planning a major life overhaul in September? Well, nothing's happened. Don't get me wrong I still feel in need of one but when you can't even find the motivation to start then you're a bit buggered really! I'm now into my second week of having 6 hours a day to myself whilst the Bean and SLA are in school and what have I done about this rut I am stuck in? Precisely nothing.
I find it strange that some people are so motivated that they never stop doing things, going places and getting on with stuff whereas I just seem to sit back with a brew and think 'Oooh that's nice'. I NEVER actually do anything myself. I tell myself that everything costs money and that is one of the reasons why but I'm just fooling myself. It goes much deeper than that and, in truth, I've always been the same. I think I'll just have to accept that I am lazy.
So, if I take that step further where does it lead me? Is being lazy something that can be changed or worked on or is it a fairly permament state? Is it like being born with two arms or five fingers or is it something I can change. Maybe it's like having a brown hair - I can change it by dying it but hell, the roots would still come through the old colour and I'd just be trying to be something I'm not.
See I'm just waffling now.....but I just have this inbuilt uneasiness about life at the moment. I want to change it - I really do - but I just don't know where to start. I seem to have all but lost the confidence I had when I was younger and I think a lot of that is due to working from home now.
When I was working with others there was constant feedback, appraisals and conversation. Now there is the sound of the washing machine and my laptop keyboard. I think I find that hard sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy time on my own, in fact I think I'm becoming more of a hermit than ever, but I do crave the assessment and feedback I used to have. It's a real way of keeping your confidence and self esteem high when other people tell you that you are doing a good job. Sometimes I am envious of SLA in this way. As a teacher he gets a lot of this support and success - everytime his students learn something new, pass a test or get a good grade in an exam - everytime and with every student that is partly down to him. That must feel fantastic.
I don't know what the answer is........not much of a blog entry this really. Sorry about that. lol If I suddenly have a flash of inspiration you'll be the first to know I promise. Best go and empty the washing machine....it's all gone quiet.