Tuesday, 9 September 2008

A ramble through my head

Remember when I said I was planning a major life overhaul in September? Well, nothing's happened. Don't get me wrong I still feel in need of one but when you can't even find the motivation to start then you're a bit buggered really! I'm now into my second week of having 6 hours a day to myself whilst the Bean and SLA are in school and what have I done about this rut I am stuck in? Precisely nothing.

I find it strange that some people are so motivated that they never stop doing things, going places and getting on with stuff whereas I just seem to sit back with a brew and think 'Oooh that's nice'. I NEVER actually do anything myself. I tell myself that everything costs money and that is one of the reasons why but I'm just fooling myself. It goes much deeper than that and, in truth, I've always been the same. I think I'll just have to accept that I am lazy.

So, if I take that step further where does it lead me? Is being lazy something that can be changed or worked on or is it a fairly permament state? Is it like being born with two arms or five fingers or is it something I can change. Maybe it's like having a brown hair - I can change it by dying it but hell, the roots would still come through the old colour and I'd just be trying to be something I'm not.

See I'm just waffling now.....but I just have this inbuilt uneasiness about life at the moment. I want to change it - I really do - but I just don't know where to start. I seem to have all but lost the confidence I had when I was younger and I think a lot of that is due to working from home now.

When I was working with others there was constant feedback, appraisals and conversation. Now there is the sound of the washing machine and my laptop keyboard. I think I find that hard sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy time on my own, in fact I think I'm becoming more of a hermit than ever, but I do crave the assessment and feedback I used to have. It's a real way of keeping your confidence and self esteem high when other people tell you that you are doing a good job. Sometimes I am envious of SLA in this way. As a teacher he gets a lot of this support and success - everytime his students learn something new, pass a test or get a good grade in an exam - everytime and with every student that is partly down to him. That must feel fantastic.

I don't know what the answer is........not much of a blog entry this really. Sorry about that. lol If I suddenly have a flash of inspiration you'll be the first to know I promise. Best go and empty the washing machine....it's all gone quiet.


Tiffiney said...

Girl I know where you are coming from!! I don't so call work from home..but I work in the home..you wouldn't think so tho if you walked in my house and saw a mess..lol...I to like to get out, but it does cost money..and sometimes I just want to be lazy...like now..i should be cleaning..but here I am typing away...lol...So here you go..I am going to give you that lift for today!! You have been doing wonderful work my dear. House is clean ;) Blog is written for the day! You have six hours to yourself...put your feet up and eat some ice cream and enjoy being lazy some ;)
Thank you for your comment on my blog :0)

Mummy said...

thanks tiffiney :) I wouldn't say the house is tidy, actually no, it isn't but hey! I'll sort my head out eventually!!!

Thank you for your comment too :) Off to read your blog now!

Emily said...

I am always so amazed by people who never seem to stop because they seem so empowered and motivated. And I am anything but! You'll find your motivation one of these days. In the meantime, don't be so hard on yourself and remember you are loved!

Mummy said...

Thanks Em....I will. (((HUGS)))

Nina said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. I think we all hit these ruts for one reason or another. I have been in my own funk here lately and I am trying to find something that will bring me out of it. So far I have failed. Don't fret...your time will come and this will be a distant thought.