Sunday, 19 October 2008

My melancholy Sunday blues.

I'm feeling more than a little melancholy at the moment.....not helped by being half way through a 12 hour shift behind a microphone...... Also made worse by hormones, no doubt. I'm female - everything is made worse by hormones.

Also adding in to the equation is that it's my birthday in just over a week. I still get excited about it sometimes, but I'm not having much in terms of a pressie as I'm holding out for a Wii for Xmas! Anyway, we'll be away probably for a few days, we'll have a meal....it will be lovely. Honestly, I'm looking forward to it but I can't help but go through these melancholy moments missing my mum. It's impossible to think of a birthday without thinking of her - after all she was the one who gave birth to me. It's a bizarre concept that she gave life to me but is no longer here herself. I struggled to come to terms with that for a long time. I'm not sure I've got it worked out yet really.

It also makes me think of birthdays passed....the parties at the swimming pool and at the bowling alley, the cakes that she made, the cards with the longest verse she could find....such special memories of such a special person.

This year, as for the last two, there will be no card with a long verse.....no silly present with a cow on it...she was the world's best at finding cow related gifts. I miss the dinner she would cook, the hugs she would give and the 'secret' phone calls to my hubby about some plan she had!

She always made such a special day out of my birthday and no matter what we do this year I will miss her being a part of it. I know I musn't wallow in the past, she would hate that but sometimes, and this is one of those times, the future seems a duller place without my mummy.

10 comments:

Debs said...

Your Mum sounds wonderful and I'm not surprised you miss her so much. I'm sending you big hugs and hope that you'll have a fabulous birthday.

I always find birthdays a little emotional, both mine and my children. x

Mummy said...

Debs - thank you :) They are emotional days, that's for sure! Very very special. Thanks again....I'm sure I'll be blogging about it again before the big day! x

Suzie said...

Hey hon, We all grow up knowing we are going to lose our parent's but somehow we are still not prepared or it when it happens.

Anyway, she would hate to think you were sad on your bithday, so for her, chin up and have fun.

I wish I lived closer so we could have gone out for dinner and you could have laughed at the flat cake i'd bake you hehe.

lots a love and happy birthday (for next week)hon!

Suzie

Mummy said...

Thanks Suzie :) You're right, she'd want me to be happy happy happy! lol at the flat cake!

Hillary said...

Aw girlie,

I hate to see you feeling glum, but I do understand. It's hard to remember the special times without wishing there were more to come with that special person.

I had something happen a couple weeks ago that sparked a memory. For a split second, I thought, "I've GOT to call Dad and tell him about this," knowing he'd laugh at it and maybe even playfully gloat over the old memory. And a split second later, I realized, with a bit of a start, that I couldn't call him. It didn't make me really sad, but it was a strange feeling. It reminded me of time right after he passed away. On some days I wanted to call Mom's number so I could hear their answering machine, because Dad had done the recording. Then there were days I'd hang up when I knew she wasn't answering because I did NOT want to hear his voice. It was too much to deal with.

We'll have our moments and they bring us some sadness. And the silver lining I see in it is that the amount we miss them is a real testament to how well they lived their lives. They gave us so much in the time that we had them. Some people have their parents a lot longer and yet they didn't have the bond we've had with ours. So I try to treasure that. But yeah, it's still tough. It's a process...and one that will get easier.

Pat Posner said...

Aww, Mummy
I know just how you feel. My birthday's on 25th (when's yours?) and it will be my first one since my Mum died. But we've got such lovely memories to look back on and our Mums wouldn't want us to be sad.
Crystal J is coming to see me on my birthday, I'm so looking forward to meeting her - funny thing is, she lives in Northumberland and my Mum was a Geordie.

Suzie said...

Hon,

Can you email me, I lost your addy!

S xxx

Mummy said...

hill - I know that feeling so well. Everytime I want to share something that's happened or that the Bean has done. That's a lovely way to think though because she did have such an impact on my life, I should remember how lucky I am for that.

Pat - I'm sorry to hear about your mum. My birthday is the 29th :) I'm sure it will help having a new meeting, it's a way of moving forwards and replacing some old traditions with some new ones. Have a happy day x

Dee from Downunder said...

While I don't know how you feel, as my mum is still here, I can only imagine how lost I will be when she is not here. We all need our mums, and they always hold a speacial place in our hearts.

Jan Jones said...

Thinking of you. My mother died 3 years ago and I still get that moment every time the phone rings (believe me, she used to ring a LOT) when I remember that it isn't going to be her on the other end ever again.